How Life Works: Wisdom Living from Proverbs
02/25/2001 - Talk Truth
A number of years ago a poll was taken among churches asking them what it was that they desired most in a pastor. And more important than speaking ability or excellence in leadership or ministry skills or even personal example was honesty. People want a pastor they can trust. They want their leaders to be truth tellers, straight shooters, men and women of utmost integrity. But not all pastors are like that which is why the latest Gallup poll survey ranked pastors 6th in honesty behind people like nurses, teachers, pharmacists and veterinarians.
Employees want to see the same thing in their employers at work. They want to work for an honest woman or an honest man, someone that will deal truthfully with them.
Flip that equation around and ask employers what they want most in their employees and they'll tell you honesty. They want to be able to trust their workers. When I was growing up, my father was in the food business and along with a few partners owned and operated a number of supermarkets. He was a boss. And I can remember him often grumbling around the kitchen table about how difficult it was to find good help. Honest men and women that he could trust to work the cash registers, to make the deposits, to unload the trucks, to stock the shelves without lifting merchandise from the back room. His biggest problem with theft didn't come from his customers, it came from his employees.
Ask single people what they're looking for in a mate and at the top of the list is someone they can trust. Ask married couples who have healthy, thriving marriages how they've been able to pull it off over all these years and they'll tell you its because somewhere along the line they made a wall to wall commitment to be open and honest with each other, authentic and real, no secrets, no masks. The same can be said for best friends who've walked through life together.
People have had it with deceit. And I hope you have too. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a rumor or a story that wasn't true? Have you ever been betrayed, lied to or lied about? There aren't many things in life that are worse than that. It ties you up in knots, dominates you're thinking and can take years off your life. You can't sleep at night until the truth is finally revealed. The most difficult experiences I've ever had in over fifteen years of church ministry have occurred when the truth wasn't being told.
A number of years ago, when Tim and I resigned our positions at our former church to begin Valley View all kinds of rumors started to fly as to the "real" reason why we were leaving. Some were saying we weren't getting along with the senior pastor, or the senior pastor had forced us out. Others were saying we were going to take all the young families away to start this new church and that this was kind of a subversive thing. It seemed like nobody could see that maybe, just maybe, everything was fine with the senior pastor, our motives were right, and we were being led by God to start this work.
But we were totally blindsided by the rumors. Abraham Lincoln once said, "A lie will get half way around the world, before the truth gets its boots on." And that's the way it was. And so over the last five months that we were on staff, while we had hoped to be sharing our burden and vision for this work, we found ourselves putting out fires and setting people straight and chasing down rumors and answering the question, "What's really going on?" And it was exhausting and demoralizing to us. The enemy, the evil one, had a field day with misinformation and from the start was out to stop this work. And I'm not sure we ever got it fully straightened out and I know some relationships just haven't been the same ever since.
That's why telling the truth is so important. And so its not surprising to me that the book of Proverbs has a lot to say about talking truth. And today I want to talk about talking truth. And I want to give you four ways to help up your batting average in this area of your life, because it will help make your life work well. But before I do, let's look first at the consequences of telling lies.
First, lying damages our relationship with God. Turn to Proverbs 6:16-19, There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him; 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19 a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
Some of the strongest language in the Bible is used of lying. It's disgusting to God. It turns his stomach. It makes his blood boil.
Proverbs 12:22 says, The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who are truthful.
You want to tick God off and get him on your bad side stretch the truth at work, cheat on your income taxes, fudge on your expense account, take money under the table, hand in somebody else's paper at school and say its your own, enter into to the neighborhood gossip, be deceptive in your marriage. Not only will you jam the gears in your life, but you'll wreck your relationship with God. He hates a lying tongue, he detests lying lips. This is serious business. The stakes are very high.
And yet despite that I read this week that while 98% of kids agree that lying is wrong, 98% of them also admit that they'd lie and do so without guilt if it gave them a competitive advantage. And maybe you and I would too.
Not only does lying damage our relationship with God, but lying destroys our relationships with other people.
Look at Proverbs 26:28, A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.
A lying tongues hates those it hurts because lying destroys relationships. And it destroys relationships by tanking trust and trust is the foundation that all healthy relationships are built on. And it takes a long time to build a good foundation of trust or to rebuild trust once its broken. Talk to a couple whose trying to rebuild their marriage after the devastating effects of an affair and you'll talk to two people who've got a long, hard road ahead of them. Their marriage can be salvaged and rebuilt. And by God's grace many are. But often it takes years for trust to be restored.
Proverbs 15:4 says, The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
Talk to kids who've grown up in homes with an alcoholic or addicted parent, who promised them over and over again that last night was the last night they'd get drunk or come home high. See what's it done to those kids ability to trust their parents or to trust anybody for that matter. A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. When you look at people whose lives aren't working very well often it can be traced to the telling of lies by somebody, sometime, somewhere.
Why does God hate lying so much? Why does it do so much damage to relationships? Let me give you two reasons. First, because we were created in the image of a truth telling God. God is incapable of telling a lie. It's just not in him. There's nothing in God that could make him tell anything but the truth. In fact, contrary to what you might think there are some things that are impossible for God. This week at Alpha I heard Nicky Gumbel tell the story of the little boy who came out of class after a geography test and the teacher heard him praying, "Dear God, please make Paris the capital of Turkey." Some things are impossible for God to do and that's one of them and lying is another one.
Hebrews 6:18 says It is impossible for God to lie. Any questions? He just can't do it. That's why he's worthy of our trust. And how did Jesus, God's Son, describe himself? In John 14:6 he said, I am the Way and the Truth and the Life.
We were created in God's image and so we were created to tell the truth. And because of that lying is always messy. You know how you feel when you tell a lie. Your pulse rate goes up, you get sick to your stomach, your mouth gets dry, you're not sure what to do with your eyes, look away or look at the floor. Lie detector tests work because our bodies react when we're not telling the truth. God made us that way. We're wired to be truth tellers.
God hates lying because we were created in his image. And second, lying is the language of the devil. Jesus said this about the devil in John 8:44, There is no truth in the devil. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Satan can do nothing but lie. Just like for most of us our native tongue is English, his native tongue is lies. When we're not being honest we're talking like the devil. We're saying, "Satan, I'm playing on your team now."
In our house nothing gets disciplined more severely than lying. We tell our kids if a glass breaks or mud gets tracked into the house or the car gets scratched up or the dog gets loose, don't cover it up and say "I don't know who did it?" If you did it, tell us you did. The consequences for covering it up are going to be a lot worse than the consequences for any of those things.
A couple of weeks ago I was giving our son, Jordan, his weekly home school spelling test. And he got all 28 words spelled right. Perfect paper. And I said, "Jordan, that's great!" And he looked at me kind of sheepishly and said, "Dad, you can mark number 14 wrong." I said, "Why? You got it right!" "Yeah, I know, but I saw it on the paper." And I said, "Wow. You didn't have to tell me that. I would have never known. Thanks for being honest." And he said, "You wouldn't have known, Dad, but I would have!"
This would be a good time right here, right now, to make a quiet commitment before God to be done with lying. To commit yourself to truth telling. It will only strengthen your relationship with God and with others and it will help make your life work. Now in the time that's left let me give you four practical ways to raise your truth telling batting average.
First, talk less. Look at Proverbs 10:19, When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The more we open our mouth the more chance we have of getting into trouble. The more chance we have of exaggerating, or making promises we can't keep, or saying things we don't mean, or things that we'll regret. We can cut down those things if we just talk less.
Proverbs 17:28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues. If you keep your mouth shut, even if you're a fool people will think your wise.
God has a lot to say about how we talk because he knows we talk a lot. The book of Proverbs mentions "tongue," lips," "mouth," "words" more than any other subject. Almost 150 times in 31 chapters which averages out to about 5 references in every single chapter God has something to say about how we talk.
Researchers tell us that the average American opens his or her mouth 700 times a day, says 12,000 sentences which equals 100,000 words or one book every single day. That's how much we talk. Some of you might be thinking right now, "Hey Bruce, why don't you take your own advice. Talk less, cut this message short, and let's us out early!"
Second, think before you speak. Proverbs 15:28, The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
Thinking first helps us cut down our words and sort out the truth.
We do have control over what we say. We really do? Sometimes I think we convince ourselves that our mouth works independently of our brain, that the two aren't really connected. But they are. We can control what we say.
I heard about a woman who had just received a new position as the assistant to the CEO of a corporation. And early on he asked her to tell those who called that he wasn't in his office when he really was. That was routine for him, it was no big deal, but she wouldn't do it, she felt it was a lie. And when he found out that she wouldn't do it he was furious and called her into his office and said, "When I tell you to do something you do it. I could fire you for that." And in the heat of that moment she said very calmly, "Sir, I couldn't do that, because if I can lie for you, then I can also tell a lie to you. And you wouldn't want an assistant like that, would you?"
We can control the words that come out of our mouths. Before you speak think, "Is what I'm saying true?"
Third, speak the truth in love. Look at Proverbs 3:3, Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.
Truth telling doesn't mean that we tell the whole truth all the time and go around blowing people away with our honest observations and our unsolicited criticisms no matter how true they might be. Our truth telling must be tempered with love. Ephesians 4:15 says, Speak the truth in love. Later on in that same chapter Paul says in verse 29, say only those things that build others up according to their needs.
Sometimes that means that we bury the truth about a matter. Look at Proverbs 17:9, Whoever covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. That kind of confidentiality is often needed to build a deep sense of community with another person. We stress it in our small groups around here. And when it's broken so often are relationships.
Sometimes if we've established a trusting relationship with someone we can loving and truthfully share a deep concern we have for them. In fact, sometimes we have to if we're going to love them the way God wants us too.
I thank God for the people over the years that have had the guts to talk truth with me. That includes my wife, my kids, and those who on our leadership team. All of them, at one time or another have taken risks to share hard truth with me. And my life is better for it because I know it came from those who love me.
Look at Proverbs 27:6, Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Do you have any truth tellers in your life? People who love you enough to shoot straight with you?
And finally, tell the truth about yourself. Around here we call it being authentic or being real. Sometimes telling the truth about ourselves means we're willing to say we're sorry when we know we've hurt another person by failing to keep a promise or not returning a phone call or showing up late for an appointment. Telling the truth means owning what we need to own. People whose lives work well know how to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me."
Sometimes for me it means saying to my kids, "I know I promised to play a game with you tonight, but I got tied up on the phone and I'm sorry for that. Please forgive me?"
Sometimes telling the truth about ourselves means confessing our struggles to each other. James 5:16 says, Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
One of the goals for our church is to be a safe place where we can be honest with each other about our struggles. A place where we can drop the masks and stop pretending that we're something we're not. Confessing our sins and struggles is often the first step to healing and deliverance. It's often the precise moment when community begins in a small group. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a small group meeting that starts out kind of polite and cautious until somebody says, "I'm struggling." Then the love starts to kick in and the grace starts to flow and the prayer starts to go up. And God shows up! Our small group leaders calls it "plunking." When confession starts God plunks down.
When we're honest about our struggles sometimes it sounds like this, "Please pray for me I'm having a tough time at work, or at school or at home. That's all I want to say right now." Or sometimes, usually in one on one settings, it sounds like this, "Please pray for me. I'm really struggling with pornography right now and I'm going on the business trip on Monday and I don't want to fall into that while I'm away. I give you permission to ask me how I did when I get back." That's telling the truth about ourselves and that's often the first step to deliverance.
Talk less. Think before we speak. Speak the truth in love. Tell the truth about ourselves are four ways we can up our batting average when it comes to truth telling. And God delights in the truthful!
I'll close with this. Last Sunday, just before worship a person can up to me looking very upset and said, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" And I said, "Sure. Is everything okay?" And this person said, "No it isn't. This week when we spoke on the phone I said something to you that wasn't true and its bothered me ever since. And I know we're about to start worship, but I just needed to ask your forgiveness first because I knew without it I couldn't worship God." So I accepted the person's apology and we prayed together and then we worshipped God with a clean conscience. And afterwards I said to the person, "How was your worship?" And with a big smile on their face they said, "Just great!" And I said to them, "You know what. I want you to know that I respect you more now than before you apologized. Because all of us say things we don't mean, but not all of us apologize for them. That took courage and now I trust you more than ever."
That's what a truth teller looks like. And those are the kinds of things that truth tellers do. That's authentic Christianity. And that's a person whose life is working well.