The Reality Series
06/13/2004 - Sex
It's everywhere. We can't get away from it. We see it on TV shows and in commercials and on music videos and at the movies and in magazines and on billboards. We hear it on the radio and in the music we listen to. It stalks us on the Internet. The images fill our mind and often drive our thoughts. What is it? What is it about sex that fascinates us? What is it about our sexuality that can so dominate our lives?
The fact that God created men and women to be attracted to each other is not an accident or an oversight on his part. Human sexuality is not a mistake. And sex was not the original sin. Instead, its all part of God's wonderful design for his creation and sexual expression is a beautiful gift of God. It's a good thing. The world would be an awfully boring place without both Adam and Eve.
I don't know about you, but I grew up in a good Bible teaching church where I heard one, two, sometimes three different messages a week, but never once in all my life did I hear a teaching on God's view of sexuality. And so for a long time I didn't know what God thought about sex, except that you better not talk about it in church. So we didn't. And we didn't talk about it at home either. So like many of you, I was on my own to figure it out and that's not a good place to be.
Well, Valley View is not the church I grew up in and around here we need to talk about sex because it's such a big part of our lives. This morning we continue our series called The Reality Series . We've called it that because in this series we're addressing real issues that we all deal with every single day. We started with a look at divorce and remarriage, then doubt and discouragement, and now money, sex and power, all three of which our world worships like some kind of unholy Trinity. Our culture is fixated on money, sex, and power.
This is the third time we've addressed sexuality at Valley View and for this particular teaching I'm indebted to some great insights from John Ortberg in a message that he gave on this topic. As I mentioned last week, I've developed this teaching with our entire church community in mind. I've tried to look at our sexuality through the lens of those who are married and those who are single, those who are in middle school and those who are middle aged and older.
And what I would like us to do today as a church is make five commitments when it comes to our sexuality, five commitments that the Word of God encourages us to make if we are to enjoy this wonderful, intimate expression of oneness that God gave us to enjoy. I'd love Valley View to be an island of sanity in the midst of a sea of sexual chaos that's all around us.
The first commitment comes from the lips of Jesus and is found in Matthew 5:27-28, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Our first commitment is to confess our sexual struggles. We all have them. We all struggle to one degree or another with sexual issues, especially in our sexually confused society. Like every other area of our lives, our sexuality has been affected by our fallen, sinful condition.
When Jesus spoke these words in his famous Sermon on the Mount he was addressing an audience of people that were asking the question, "What does it take to be right with God? What does righteousness look like in different areas of my life? What does it mean to be right sexually?"
In the audience that day were some super religious types, called Pharisees, who were saying, "Look at us. Righteousness looks like us. It's all about conforming to our rules and regulations. It's all about appearances and how we look in front of others."
But Jesus comes along and says, "Oh no. That's not it at all. Righteousness goes a lot deeper than that. It goes to the heart." So he says in Matthew 5:20, "For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven."
And then he scrolls through different areas of life like anger and lust and divorce and truth telling and justice and love and for each one he says "You have heard that it was said behave this way to live right ... but I tell you, this is what God is looking for."
And when he comes to the area of our sexuality he says, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
And everybody who heard him gasped. You see the Pharisees divided the world into two categories. There were the adulterers, those who had problems sexually, and then there were the non-adulterers, like them, who didn't have any sexual problems. But Jesus comes along and says, "If you think you're right before God sexually because you've never had an affair, you're wrong." The truth is that we all have problems controlling our sexual urges.
Jesus is not saying that committing in adultery in our hearts has the same consequences as actually having an affair. He's not saying, "If you thought it, you might as well do it. One is just as bad as the other." No. The act of committing adultery includes everything in the heart plus deceit and betrayal, the breaking of a promise, the damage to a family, the deep hurt to a spouse. That's not Jesus' point.
His point is that if we think we're sexually perfect because we've avoided adultery, we're wrong. Even to have one lustful thought, one sexual fantasy, one brush with pornography, violates God's standard, which puts us all in the same boat.
Our first commitment in this area means being honest about our struggles with ourselves and with God and also realizing that God loves to forgive us for the mistakes we've make in our sexual lives. There is nothing we have done that can't be covered by the forgiveness of Christ purchased for us on the cross. Nothing. Whatever we've done, wherever we've been it is enough. But forgiveness starts with confession.
Then in verse 29, Jesus utters some of his strongest words in the New Testament, "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body then for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."
What in the world does he mean by this? Is Jesus saying self-mutilation is the key to a satisfying sex life? If you have a pornography problem cut your eyes out? If you can't keep your hands to yourself then cut them off?
No. Jesus is attacking the superficial solutions of the Pharisees who thought they could safeguard themselves sexually by not talking to women, by not looking at women, by legislating that women should always wear veils and head coverings and baggy clothes so that their features could not even be recognized. They were the problem so cover them up.
Jesus is saying, "If you're going to do that. If you think that's the solution to sexual temptation then why don't you go all the way and cut out your eyes and cut off your hands." But the problem is not with our eyes or with our hands or with women. The problem is with our hearts. And God doesn't want to remove our hearts. He wants to change our hearts. He wants to redeem them. So our first commitment is to confess our struggles to God, accept his forgiveness, and ask for his help.
Our second commitment is to be grateful to God that he made us sexual beings even though we have problems handling our sexuality.
Look at Matthew 19:4-6, "Haven't you read, "Jesus replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
Jesus says God made sex up. Sexuality is a wonderful thing. It was God's idea to create two genders, male and female. It was not a mistake. Our sexuality is something that God wants us to be comfortable with and even celebrate.
But that's not easy for a lot of people for a variety of reasons. As I've already mentioned we live in a sexually confused culture with blurred distinctions between men and women, a growing homosexual community who has redefined marriage, and the technology to perform an increasing number of sex changes.
I also recognize that there are those who've been the victims of incest, sexual abuse, rape, and other kinds of sexual trauma. And if that's the case let me encourage you to talk to someone, to get help, to bring the secret out of the darkness and into the light where God can begin to heal you. And he can. He wants to.
You may need the help of a Christian counselor or a trained professional or a support group. You may need an organization like Harvest USA (harvestusa.org), based right here in Philadelphia, whose mission is to proclaim Christ as Lord to a sexually broken world. So that one day you can say, male or female, "Thank you God for creating me with a physical body. Thanks for giving me the capacity for sexual oneness within the covenant of marriage."
And that brings us to our third commitment. We need to make a commitment to keep God's sexual standards.
Turn to 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, It is God's will that you should be sanctified, that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable. Not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.
Avoiding sexual immorality means that we make a commitment to express a sexual relationship only within the covenant of marriage as God defines it between a man and a woman. God intended sex to be enjoyed by a husband and a wife who have committed themselves to each other permanently, because it is only in the context of a permanent commitment that the ultimate act of physical intimacy can be safely expressed.
Some one has said, "Sex is like fire. Within the confines and safety of a fireplace it's a wonderful thing, bringing light and warmth into a home. But outside the boundaries of the fireplace, it can reduce that same home to a pile of ashes in minutes. It makes all the difference where the fire burns."
Where there's an ultimate expression of physical intimacy without a permanent commitment, somebody is always going to get hurt. That's why God says, "Wait until marriage. I want you to enjoy what I created for you sexually without the guilt and the shame and the anger and the regret and the alienation that comes when you take the fire out of the fireplace." Not even to mention the health risk of sexually transmitted diseases, which are epidemic in our country.
There's nothing I know of that can make us feel more alienated from God than violating his sexual standards. We feel dirty and unclean and ashamed. And the answer to that guilt is not to rationalize and attempt to change God's standards, but to submit to them. And the time to make that commitment is now, not in the heat of passion. You'll never make it then. Our goal as Christ followers is to relate to the opposite sex the way Jesus did.
Look at 1 Thessalonians 4:6, And that in this matter no one should wrong a brother or sister or take advantage of them. The Lord will punish those who commit all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.
These are strong words from a God who loves us and knows what's best for us sexually. Before we move on let me say a word to those who are single. We live in a society where it is counter cultural to say, "I will not be sexually active until when and if I get married."
All of us struggle to be right sexually, but you need to know that those of us who are married in this church community understand your unique struggle in this area. I personally can relate it. I was single until I was thirty. And during that time I watched all my close friends have weddings and honeymoons and children. It wasn't easy. But I thank God that I was part of a church and there were those I could talk to, who cheered me on in this area.
If you're single today you need to know that we honor your efforts to live with sexual integrity and purity. I know that some of you have built accountability into your life in this area. That's awesome. You need to know that we are cheering you on and want this to be a place where all Christ's followers, married or single, live together in rich, full, Christ honoring community.
Make the commitment to submit to God's sexual standards. Make it today and reaffirm it often. And when you fall you need to get back up and keep going again clinging to God.
Now this fourth commitment is for those of us who are married or hope to be in the near future. And this is the commitment to love and serve our spouse sexually.
The apostle Paul states this real strongly in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Sexual fulfillment within marriage is so important to God that he actually calls it our marital duty. If you're married today one of the ways you love and serve your spouse is to satisfy them sexually. Sex is never to be used as a weapon or as a tool for leverage in a relationship. In fact, Paul says if you're going to abstain from having sex make sure you talk about it and that you're both on the same page and then use that time to be intimate spiritually. Pray. The most intimate spiritual experience a husband and wife can share is praying together.
Couples need to talk to each other about their physical relationship and the needs that each of them has. Husbands, our body belongs to our wives and wives your body belongs to your husband. We need to become experts on each other's bodies and that only happens when we communicate. I know that can be extremely awkward at first especially for those like me who grew up in a family where there was no such thing as sex. It doesn't exist! So what's there to talk about?
We need to learn to talk about it. One of the great myths about our sexuality is that if we just do what comes naturally everything will be okay. Wrong! Nothing could be further from the truth. God designed sex in such a way that, believe it or not, men and women are different in this area. We have a lifetime of learning ahead of us. But we have to communicate.
Some of you who are married haven't talked about your physical relationship for a long time. You need to jump start your romance again. You need to talk about what brings you joy and pleasure and fulfillment and what doesn't.
Maybe there's hurt or embarrassment or trauma in your past and your spouse doesn't even know about it. You need to talk. Maybe you've been so hurt in this area that you've just stopped trying. You've withdrawn. Given up. There's lots of hurt and resentment inside you and it leaks out in all kinds of ways.
Maybe the problems are so deep and complex that they're not going to be resolved in one talk. But you need to start the dialogue again. You need to pray. Get help. Maybe you need to read a book together that will get you talking again. There's lots of good Christian material to help you. Jen and I have read quite a few books together. As couples we all need to reup our commitment to fulfilling the promises that we once made at the altar. We pray all the time around here that God would strengthen the marriages in our community. Make the commitment to love and serve your spouse physically.
And finally, commitment number five is for those who have or plan to have children. We need to talk to our children about their sexuality and about God's plan for them.
In Deuteronomy 6:6-7 God says, These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
The commandments that we are to teach our children are the Ten Commandments that include the commandment about sexuality, which Jesus was talking about in Matthew 5. The family is to be the primary place for sexual education. This doesn't mean you have just one talk about the birds and the bees to get it over with. It means that we have ongoing, age appropriate dialogue with our kids about sexuality during the different stages of their development.
This week I read about the little boy who asked his mother where he came from and also where she came from as a baby. His mother answered by telling him about a beautiful white stork that delivered her and then him to their home. The boy ran into the next room and asked his grandmother the same question and got another version of the same stork story. He then ran outside to play and told a friend, "You know, there hasn't been a normal birth in our family for three generations!'
We owe our kids more than stork stories. But I know that this too can be awkward. Timing is everything. It's just as important as content. But there needs to be ongoing dialogue with our kids about sexuality and modesty, body changes and puberty and dating and temptation and marriage and all the things that most of us never heard growing up.
But we owe it to our children to push through the awkwardness and help them navigate through these sexually confusing times that we live in. Again there are wonderful, age appropriate Christian resources written to help parents in this area. We don't have to go it alone. Let's make a commitment to help the next generation be better prepared and better equipped to honor God with their sexuality than we were.
My prayer for Valley View is that we would be an island of sexual sanity in a sea of sexual chaos all around us. And we will be. If we make the commitment to confess our struggles, are grateful to God for how he made us, keep his standards, love and serve our spouses, and teach our children well.