The Healing Power of Love
12/05/2010 - The Reward of Reconciliation
A few weeks ago a man came up to me and asked if we could talk for a few minutes. I could sense it was something important to him so we went to a quiet room in the building here and he proceeded to tell me that he was upset with me. In fact, he had been upset with me for a quite awhile and apologized for not coming to me sooner.
And as he was talking I could feel my heart start pounding in my chest and my mind racing trying to figure out what it was that I had done to make him so upset. That's never a good feeling, is it? Fortunately, I didn't have to think very long because he told me what it was and again asked my forgiveness for not coming to me sooner. He just wanted to avoid a confrontation. I can relate to that. I don't like confrontation either.
Of course, I felt horrible about it. I had no idea that I had hurt him and was really sorry that I did. So I asked for his forgiveness and he was kind enough to give it to me. We prayed together. Gave each other a hug. And then I thanked him for having the courage to come and make things right. That's reconciliation. And I could tell right away that our 10 minute conversation had given this man a great sense of peace and me too, knowing that we had talked it out, cleared the air, and forgiven each other.
Peace. That's the reward of reconciliation. God is into reconciliation because God is into peace. And God wants his children to be into reconciliation too because he wants his children to live in peace.
This morning we continue our series call The Healing Power of Love with a talk on reconciliation. We've already talked about the power of confession and the freedom of forgiveness, but today I want to talk about the reward of reconciliation.
In his great Sermon on the Mount Jesus says in Matthew 5:9, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.
If we want to be God's kids, if we want to imitate our heavenly Father then we're called to pursue peace in all our relationships, even with our enemies. And reconciliation is a big part of doing that. Notice that Jesus doesn't say, "Blessed are the peace lovers." He says, "Blessed are the peacemakers."
Pretty much everybody loves peace. We're all peace lovers at some level, as long as peace comes on our terms. But that's the rub. That's why peace can often be so elusive because we want peace under our conditions and we'll go to war to get it!
But peace makers are not the same as peace lovers. Peace lovers often hide from confrontation. They want nothing to do with it. They'll avoid it all costs. So instead of dealing with their anger and their hurts, they'll stuff their feelings and evade the issues and avoid the people who've hurt them. They'll sacrifice truth and honesty in order to maintain an environment of pseudo peace.
Peace lovers often come from homes with unwritten rules like ... we don't feel around here and we certainly don't talk about our feelings or we deny what's really going on and we definitely don't discuss our problems. In fact, if you bring up a problem in this kind of home then the problem is not the problem you brought up. Instead, you're the problem for bringing up the problem! Peace lovers learn not to rock the boat. In fact, "don't rock the boat" is the rule that rules.
Some of us grew up in "Don't rock the boat" homes. I know I did. And when we grow up in those environments we rarely get a chance to see problems resolved and relationships reconciled in healthy ways. So when problems come up our tendency is to ignore them, or avoid them, or flat out run the other way.
And if we're not careful we can bring that pattern of relating into our marriages and into our friendships and into our relationships at work. We can bring it into a church community like this. And so when we get our feelings hurt, instead of confronting each other in loving ways like that man did with me a few weeks ago, we can just choose to leave angry and upset.
That happens a lot in our American culture where there's a church on every corner. It's easy to move from one church to the next to the next without reconciling relationships. People do it all the time. But that's not how God wants his children to relate to one another. That's not being an authentic biblical community where differences can discussed and relationships reconciled and peace restored.
Peacemaking is more than avoiding confrontation. Jesus didn't say, "Blessed are the peace lovers." And he didn't say, "Blessed are the truce makers either." We can be good at that too. We can call truces in our marriages and in our families and at work and in the church.
Don't get me wrong there are times when a truce is needed and can be a good thing. Some situations demand that we call a time out just to cool down so we can think more clearly. But often a truce simply means that I need time to reload before I start the battle again. And so there's never any real resolution. The conflict just goes underground for awhile and festers and grows until it blows up all over again. That's not how God wants his children to relate either.
So what does it mean to be a true peacemaker and not simply a peace lover or a truce maker? Well, I think it starts with receiving God's peace. True peacemakers have received God's peace. Jesus Christ came to bring us peace with God. That's what we're about to celebrate this Christmas.
That's what the angel announced in Luke 2:14,Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.
The good news of the gospel is that the king has come and his name is Jesus, the Prince of Peace. And his kingdom has begun and is wide open to you and to me and to anyone and everyone who believes that the king died on the cross for their sin and rose again. We are made right with God through faith alone in Jesus.
The apostle Paul puts it this way in Romans 5:1, Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Peace with God. That's something to celebrate. God is not angry with us. God loves us. And our relationship with him has been reconciled because Jesus took on himself the punishment for our sin that we deserve and gave us peace.
The punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed, Isaiah 53:5 says.
That truth that we have peace with God is behind a lot of the joy that we have as Christ followers and prompted us to have an event like last night to spread some of that joy throughout the surrounding community because we want to see others reconciled to God too. We want others to enjoy that same peace that we enjoy.
So just like our forgiveness of others begins when we recognize how much we've been forgiven by God, so living at peace with others begins when we embrace the peace that we have with God.
True peacemakers have received God's peace. Second, true peacemakers make peace with others and they do it quickly.
When God sent Jesus Christ into the world he said, "Enough. Enough separation. Enough alienation. Enough rebellion. Enough. I'm going to address the sin issue once and for all." And he did. "It is finished," Jesus cried from the cross.
I think true peacemakers are good at saying, "Enough. Enough pain. Enough hurt. Enough arguing. Enough tears. Enough alienation. Enough silence. Enough cold war. Enough." They know what it means to release the rope and end the tug of war.
Listen church. We've said it all through this series. We're all broken people who come from broken families living in a broken world. And because of that misunderstandings and hurts and wounds and offenses and issues are going to come up. They'll come up in our marriages and in our families and in our school and at the office and with our friends and with our brothers and sisters in the church. In fact, my experience is that wherever two or three are gathered together ... there will be issues!
But true peacemakers do their best to make things right and they do it quickly. Jesus puts it this way later on in the Sermon on the Mount when he says in Matthew 5:23-24, Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to that person; then come and offer your gift.
I think Jesus is using some humor here to make his point. He's painting the picture of a Jewish worshiper who is about to press his hand down on the head of a sheep as a sacrifice and confess his sin to the priest at the Temple in Jerusalem when he realizes that he's got an issue with somebody back home that's unresolved. So instead of worshipping he leaves his gift at the altar while he takes a three day hike back to Galilee to apologize to the person he offended.
And after that, of course, he has to turn around and take another three day hike back to Jerusalem and find his animal that's been wandering loose around the Temple courts for almost a week. It sounds ridiculous but that's the priority that Jesus puts on reconciling relationships.
It's not always convenient to make a relationship right. But making a relationship right is more important than worship. Did you hear that? Making a relationship right is more important, in God's eyes, than going to church to worship. In fact, if you're worshipping in a church gathering like this and realize that you've offended somebody Jesus says get up and leave. Be reconciled to that person and then come back and sing your praises to God. That's what it means to be the salt of the earth in a world full of relational breakdown and decay.
We're to reconcile a relationship when we realize that we've offended someone. And we're to reconcile a relationship when we've been offended by someone. In Matthew 18:15 Jesus says, If a brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault, just between the two of you. If they listen, you have won them over.
Either way the first move in reconciliation is always ours to make. It's up to us to "go." But let me tell you from experience it's never easy and it doesn't get easier with practice. It's always difficult to make the first move, at least for me it is. There's a lot of fear there, the fear of rejection, the fear of retaliation, the fear that forgiveness won't be given or received. But reconciliation is the way of Jesus. God certainly made the first move towards me.
Let me get real practical for a minute and give you some communication tools that can be very helpful in your attempts to reconcile a difficult relationship.
First of all pray. In these situations we really need God's help. In fact that verse, For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them is found in Matthew 18:20. It's in the context of reconciliation. We often use it in the context of worship. But it's actually the promise of Jesus to be with us when we're making a relationship right. That's how important it is to him. We don't go into it alone. So first, pray.
Second, clearly state the offense that either you've committed or that was committed against you. Don't bring a laundry list of past hurts and complaints. That's going to get you no where. Instead, keep it confined to the most recent or most important issue. In the confrontation I had recently the man had two specific things he wanted to bring to my attention. And that was enough. I could handle that.
Third, use "I" statements. This is a big one for peacemakers. Take the "I" road as somebody put it. Avoid "you" statements like ... you always do this or you never do that or you make me so angry. That just shuts down communication. No one wants to be attacked. Instead, use "I" statements like ... I felt frustrated or I felt angry or I felt ignored or I felt hurt when you did this or that. Avoid the blame game. That only sabotages reconciliation.
Fourth, own your part in the relational breakdown. Rarely is one person to blame when there's relational rift. Again, the man who came to me was quick to own his part which was not coming to me sooner. And when he did that I was motivated to own my part as well. Remember we're all broken people living in a broken world. It takes two to have conflict.
And fifth, be quick to forgive and to be forgiven. That's what Jesus means when he says if they listen to you, you have won them over.
But notice, he does say "if" they listen. They may not. At least the first time. And if they never listen you need to let it go and remember the words of the apostle Paul in Romans 12:18, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
It's not always possible. You can't control another person's response. You can only control your own. But as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
So true peacemakers have received God's peace. They make peace with others. And finally, true peacemakers make peace among others.
When someone comes to you with a beef about somebody else what do you do? First of all, you listen to them. Often it's just a chance to blow off steam and we all need that. But if you sense that it's more than that and that what they're sharing with you could damage their relationship with another person then encourage them to go and talk to that person and make it right quickly. That's what peacemakers do whether it's conflict in a marriage or in a friendship or in a church.
If we see people who are at odds with each other in the Valley View community we want to encourage them to be reconciled. We all have the responsibility to guard the unity in the community and make this a peacemaking environment. That's part of being a healthy hospital.
The apostle Paul called out two women in his letter to the Philippians because he wanted them to be reconciled to one another. They meant a lot to him. He writes in Philippians 4:2-3,I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche (they're two good names for those of you who are pregnant) to be of the same mind in the Lord ... help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel.
I read a story about a divorce preceding that was being conducted in a circuit court. The mother was on one side of the room and the father was on the other side. And they were angry, suing each other, beating each other up verbally. And their four year-old son was caught in the middle, crying, and upset.
Finally, when he couldn't choke back the tears any more he ran over and grabbed the hand of his mother and pulled her right out of her seat and dragged her over to his father and then grabbed his hand and joined them together and said, "Don't fight, mommy. Don't fight, daddy."
That's being a four year-old peacemaker. That's what we're all called to do, "Don't fight. Be reconciled." True peacemakers have received God's peace. Make peace with others quickly. And make peace among others.
Peace is the reward of reconciliation. And peace is how the whole story of God is going to end. When God's kingdom finally comes in all it's fullness it will be a peaceable kingdom. But until that time we are called, as God's children, to be reconcilers.
2 Corinthians 5:18-21 says, All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.