Living the Dream
10/22/2006 - The Priority of Relationships
The Hatfield's and the McCoy's. Do you recognize the names? Well they're two names that have become legendary in American lore for a longstanding family feud. The Hatfield's lived on the West Virginia side of the Tug Fork River and the McCoy's lived on the Kentucky side. Both families were part of the first wave of pioneers to settle that area of Appalachia back in the mid-1800's. And for a while things were just fine. The two families got along well and worked hard at making their own brands of moonshine.
But then in 1878 that all changed when a hog got loose. The Hatfield's claimed it was theirs and the McCoy's said it was theirs. And they couldn't settle it themselves so they took the case to court where the McCoy's lost because of the testimony of a guy named Bill Staton who said it belonged to the Hatfield's. Well, that testimony cost poor Bill Staton his life as he was killed not long after by two of the McCoy boys and the feud was on.
It escalated after one of the McCoy sisters named Roseanna had an affair with one of the Hatfield boys named Johnse. In fact, Roseanna left her family in Kentucky and crossed the river to live with the Hatfield's in West Virginia. She eventually came home, but when she tried to resume the relationship with Johnse he was kidnapped by the McCoy's. So Johnse dumped Roseanna real quick, who was now pregnant with his child, and married her cousin instead.
The feud really exploded in 1882 when one of the Hatfield boys was brutally murdered by three of Roseanna's brothers, stabbed 26 times and then finished off with a single shot. In retaliation, those three brothers were murdered by the Hatfield's as the vendetta escalated even further. And you thought your neighbors were tough to live with!
Between 1880 and 1891 the feud claimed more than a dozen lives between the two families, becoming the big story around the country, and compelling the governors of Kentucky and West Virginia to call up the National Guard to restore order.
Eight Hatfield's were arrested and brought to justice in Kentucky for the murder of one of the McCoy sisters. She had been shot after running out of a burning building that had been set on fire by a group of Hatfield's. Eventually the eight Hatfield's were found guilty. Seven got life sentences and the eighth was executed in a public hanging. And finally in 1891 the fighting stopped when the two families agreed to disagree.
Since that time the Hatfield's and the McCoy's have become synonymous with feuding, showing up in books and plays and movies and even on the game show "Family Feud" where descendants from both families were reunited for a week of competition with the winning family taking home a hog.
And against the backdrop of the Hatfield's and the McCoy's and all the longstanding feuds between families and siblings and spouses and ex's and friends and former friends Jesus says in Matthew 5:25-26, Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
This morning we continue our series called Living the Dream with a look at what Jesus has to say about the priority of relationships. If you have a Bible please turn with me to Matthew 5:21-26.
Two weeks ago we climbed the hill with Jesus as he sat down and began teaching what has become known as the Sermon on the Mount. And the first word out of his mouth was "blessed." Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. He starts with the Beatitudes and describes the kind of people that God favors, the kind of people that are part of God's kingdom. And what got our attention right away is that he turns our expectations completely upside down.
Instead of saying blessed are the rich, it's blessed are the poor. Instead of blessed are the happy, it's blessed are the sad. Instead of blessed are the powerful, it's blessed are the meek. God's kingdom does not operate like this world. In fact, in many ways it's just the opposite of this world because God's values are radically different. They're counterintuitive. They shine like light in the darkness, which is why Jesus said to us last week, You are the light of the world. Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
He also said, You are the salt of the earth. And as citizens of God's kingdom we are not only to illuminate this world but we are to penetrate this world like salt to prevent decay and add zest to life and create a thirst in others to know God too.
And then he made a statement that could have chased the whole crowd off the hill that day. It certainly had the potential to tank his public opinion poll when he said in Matthew 5:20, For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
And all the Pharisees who were standing proudly throughout the crowd parading their righteousness went, "What! You got to be kidding! Did he just say you have to be better than us to get into the kingdom? We're outta here." And the rest of the people on the hill went, "Groan! How can I be better than the Pharisees? I knew I didn't have shot getting into the kingdom when I came to this meeting. Let's go home."
But Jesus wasn't talking about adding more rules to the Pharisee's already exhaustive list of do's and don'ts. He wasn't talking about jumping through more hoops. He was talking about getting a new heart, the kind of heart that Jesus himself would give to all his followers.
And from here on out in his sermon Jesus goes after our hearts. Today he wants to talk with you and me about how we handle anger and how we can prevent relational decay because relationships are a top priority for God. Look at Matthew 5:21,You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, "Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment." 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, "RacaRaca," is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, "You fool!'' will be in danger of the fire of hell.
Six times Jesus will use that phrase you have heard that it was said, but I tell you. And each time he'll contrast what the Jewish Law says about our outward behavior with what he says about our hearts. And by the time he's finished preaching this great sermon the crowd will be amazed that he teaches as one who has authority and not as their teachers of the law. You see in that day a rabbi would never express his position on a topic without quoting a long list of opinions by other rabbi's and scholars from the past. They didn't feel confident in their own interpretation of the Law, but not Jesus. Instead, he says, "This is what you've heard, but this is what I say. This is my spin on things."
So Jesus says," You know Exodus 20:13, 'Thou shalt not kill.' Sure you do. It's one of the Ten Commandments. It's number six to be exact. And you're pretty proud of the fact that you've never murdered anybody. And that's good. I'm glad you haven't. But you express your anger in other ways that can be just as destructive. You call people names like Raca, 'bonehead' or 'fool' or 'loser' or 'queer' or 'fag' or 'nigger' or 'spic.' And for that kind of contempt you'll be held accountable. You may even end up in the fire of hell."
The word Jesus uses for "hell" is very interesting. It's actually the Greek word Gehenna. Gehenna was the name of a valley, the Valley of Hinnom, just south of Jerusalem. It was the local landfill, a garbage dump where people took their trash and threw it out the Dung Gate and down into the valley on top of the fire that was constantly burning 24/7. Gehenna was the incinerator of Jerusalem. It was a literal hell right outside the city walls. Dead bodies were thrown there. Jesus would most likely have ended up in Gehenna if Joseph of Arimathea hadn't requested his body be buried in a tomb.
So Jesus is saying, "Yeah, you may have never killed anybody. But before you break your arm patting yourself on the back, what about the anger that you harbor in your heart? How do you deal with that? Be careful that it doesn't consume you like the fires of Gehenna."
Citizens of the kingdom know that people matter to God. Everybody does, red and yellow, black and white they are precious in his sight. Every human being is created in God's image and he wants every person to be treated with dignity and respect and love. You have never locked eyes with a person that God doesn't love and that Jesus didn't die for. And one day his kingdom will be filled with people from every tribe and language and people and nation.
There is no room for racism and prejudice and bigotry and name calling in the kingdom of God. That is one way that we as Christ followers can shine our light in this present darkness. And it's a big way in a world filled with hate.
So if put downs and name calling aren't the best way to handle our anger then what is? Jesus gives it to us in verse 23, Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to that person; then come and offer your gift. 25Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Things may have been a little different for the Hatfield's and the McCoy's if they had heeded these words of Jesus. If they would have settled that hog issue out of court a lot of lives would have been saved.
At this point in the sermon I think Jesus adds a bit of comic relief by painting the picture of a worshiper who is about to press his hand down on the head of a sheep or a goat and confess his sin to the priest when he realizes he's got an issue with somebody back home that's unresolved. So he leaves his gift at the altar, the sheep or the goat wandering around the Temple courts in Jerusalem while he takes the three day hike back to Galilee to apologize to the person he offended and after that, of course, he has to turn around and walk another three days to get back to Jerusalem and find his animal again. It sounds ridiculous but that's the priority that Jesus puts on relationships.
It's not always convenient to make a relationship right. But making a relationship right is more important than worship. It's more important than going to church. In fact, if you're in a church gathering and realize that you've offended somebody get up and leave he says. Make it right and then come back and sing your praises to God. Again, that's what it means to be the salt of the earth that prevents relational breakdown and decay.
Jesus then widens the picture to two people going before a judge to fight over their legal differences. "Don't even go to court," he says. "Don't get a lawyer. Work things out yourselves or else you may end up in jail flat broke on legal fees! Deal with your anger quickly because relationships are more important than ritual. Reconciliation needs to take priority over everything else, even worship." Talk about bringing heaven to earth. That would do it!
When Jennifer and I meet with engaged couples before their wedding the first time we're together we often talk about the 3 C's that are so important in a marriage. In fact, sometimes we call the three C's "Chocolate Chip Cookies."
The first "C" stands for community, oneness, intimacy, which I believe is the goal of marriage. Genesis 2:24 says, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Community is a wonderful thing that God wants us to pursue.
But that community, that intimacy, that oneness can be threatened by the second "C" and that's conflict. Conflict can destroy community. And so we ask couples how they handle conflict in their relationship. Do they stuff it? Do they talk about it? Do they withdraw from each other? Do they argue? Do they resolve it? And if they tell us they never fight. We tell them they're not ready to get married! Because every relationship that moves towards deeper levels of community and intimacy will experience some conflict. Count on it!
Community is the goal of marriage. Conflict can destroy community. But there is a third "C" that can restore community and its confession, brokenness, having the courage to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me." And I'm embarrassed to say that it took me a long time in our marriage to be able to say those words because I came from home where anger was not expressed, but stuffed instead. And so dealing with conflict has never been easy for me, but I've had plenty of practice since then because I have wonderful wife who is not afraid to tell me that I'm wrong and get issues out on the table.
Mishandled anger is a huge problem in our country. According to the FBI, there is one violent crime every 24 seconds, an aggravated assault every 48 seconds, a murder every 23 minutes. Domestic violence is the top cause of emergency room visits among women. Three to four million women a year are battered by an intimate partner in this country. That's one every 9 seconds. During the Vietnam War, more women were murdered at home than men were killed on the battlefield.
Mismanaged anger plays a major role in virtually every divorce which right now affects about 50% of the marriages in America and wreaks havoc in many of the other 50% where spouses are separated either emotionally or physically from each other. Parents who can't control their anger wound their kids and set them up to repeat that same pattern in their own families. Jobs are lost. Churches are split all the time over anger issues.
No wonder Jesus goes after anger management and the priority of relationships first in his sermon. Later on he'll add these words in Matthew 18:15, If a brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault, just between the two of you alone. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
Before we close, because this is so important, let me just point out three things that can help all of us manage our anger better and give our relationships the priority they deserve. The first is to go. In Matthew 18, Jesus says go to the person who has hurt you. In Matthew 5, he says go to the person that you've hurt. Either way, the responsibility is on us to go when we recognize that there is an unresolved issue. And, of course, Jesus' point on the hill was to go quickly. Make things right ASAP.
Now the temptation will be to go to someone else and not to the person we need to talk to because it's easier and frankly more fun to tell someone else about how hurt we are. But when we do that we just make matters worse. Now that doesn't mean we can't talk about our anger with someone else. Often we need a trusted friend who can provide a safe place for us to process our anger and help us in our effort to resolve the conflict. Counselors often serve in that role. But if we're going to a third person, it must be with the goal of then moving towards the person with whom we need to be reconciled and going to them in private.
Second, we need to show them the fault, Jesus says. As best as we can we need to put into words the issue that has come between us. And we'll probably stumble around for the right words and not say things the best possible way. But the most important thing here is not the speech we give, but the attitude we bring. We need to go humbly and broken and filled with grace, ready to confess our part of the problem whatever that might be because the goal is not to discover who was right and who was wrong. The goal is to reconcile the relationship. And brokenness is always needed for real reconciliation to occur.
We need to go. We need to show them the fault. And then we need to let it go. Jesus says, "If they listen to you, you have won them over." The goal is not to even the score or to make the other person pay or feel bad, it's to be reconciled to each other. That's always the goal of conflict resolution. And once its resolved we don't bring it up again.
But that goal isn't always achieved. So you may try again and again but after you've done your best to reconcile a relationship it may still not happen because it takes two. And at that point you may need to let it go and remember the words of the apostle Paul who said in Romans 12:18, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. You can't control another person's response. But as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Relationships are a high priority for citizens of God's kingdom. Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. And how we handle our anger will determine the quality of our relationships. Some of us have work to do to make things right. And it's hard work. But it's good work. And God's blessing is all over it.
On June 14, 2003, the descendants of the Hatfield's and the McCoy's got together in the little town of Pikeville, Kentucky, and in a simple ceremony signed a symbolic truce putting an official end to a conflict that had lasted for generations. How about you? Do you need to meet somebody or phone somebody or write somebody to sign a truce? If so, make it a priority today. Jesus would.