How Life Works: Wisdom Living from Proverbs
04/29/2001 - Marry Well
This morning we finish our series from the book of Proverbs called How Life Works. And today we want to talk about how marriage works. God himself is the author of marriage. It's not an invention of man. Marriage is a God thing. And it can be a wonderful thing when it's done right. This October, Jennifer and I will be celebrating our 16thanniversary. And over the last 16 years we've enjoyed some great years of marriage, probably about eight of them!
In Genesis 2:24, God gives us the purpose of marriage when he says, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. God's purpose and goal for marriage is oneness.
This week I heard about an elderly couple who had been married many years. And one night they went out to eat a McDonald's restaurant. It was a cold winter's night and the place was packed. They were moving kind of slow when they walked in and so they caught everyone's attention and you could just tell what people were thinking, "Isn't it nice to see a couple who've been together for probably fifty or sixty years. Still in love! What a wonderful thing."
The little old man walked right up to the cash register and without any hesitation placed his order. He knew exactly what he wanted. After he got his order the couple took a table near the back of the restaurant and slowly started taking the food off the tray. One hamburger, one order of French fries, and one Coke.
He then carefully unwrapped the plain hamburger, cut it in half and then put one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out every one of the French fries, and divided them exactly in half, one pile for his wife and one for him. Then he took a sip of the Coke, and passed it to his wife and she took a sip and put the cup down right between them. I mean it was clear that they were going to share everything. Oneness.
And as the old man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd couldn't help but watch them. But again you could tell what they were thinking, "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal between them." And as the man began to eat his French fries a young man stood up and came over to the table and said, "Listen, can I buy you another meal?" They looked at him and said, "No. We're fine. We're used to sharing everything." So he sat down.
After a while, the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband. So the young man came over again and this time insisted on buying them another meal. But the lady said, "No, no really. We're used to sharing everything together." So again he sat down.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the guy just couldn't take it anymore, so he cam over a third time and again offered to buy some food. And after the couple said no again he finally asked the lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What are you waiting for?" The little old lady looked up at him and said, "I waiting for his false teeth! We share everything!" That's oneness taken to another level. I can't wait for the day Jennifer and I share our false teeth!
The goal of marriage is oneness. But does oneness mean you have to share your teeth? No. Oneness means you have to share more than teeth. Oneness means you have to share your life together.
In Genesis 2:18, God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. Even before sin entered into the world, there was something not good about it. Something wasn't right and that was aloneness. The man was alone. And aloneness wasn't good because God created all of us to live in relationship, to live in community with him and with each other.
So God created woman to be an equal partner with the man, "I will make a helper suitable for him." The word suitable literally means "a person corresponding to him." And it was God's goal for Adam and Eve and for every married couple since that they would become one flesh.
Now what does one flesh or oneness mean? It means unity. Oneness means unity. It means sharing our lives physically, spiritually, emotionally. It means leaving our parents, cleaving to our spouse and weaving our lives together. The apostle Paul describes that kind of marital unity as a mystery because it's not easy to explain and it's not easy to achieve.
The Trinity is a great illustration of oneness. God is one, but he exists in three different persons, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Each one has their own name, their own identity, and their own function. And that's the way God designed marriage to work. Diversity in unity.
In marriage we become one with our spouse, but we maintain our uniqueness. I've talked to some people who are scared to death of getting married because they think they're going to lose their identity. They'll have to stop being themselves. They think that after they say, "I do," You and Me has to become You or Me. But that's not oneness.
Instead oneness is when You and Me become You and Me and Us. In true oneness, a person's identity is never lost in the other. God's design is that the two come together in a powerful, mysterious way to form a new oneness that's unique.
It's hard to describe this oneness thing, but you know when you have it and know when you don't. It's not something that comes with a marriage license or on a honeymoon and then you live happily ever after in. Marital oneness takes work and time and sacrifice and prayer and you're always moving in to it and out of it.
J. Paul Getty, one of the richest men of this century once wrote, "I've never been given to envy, except for the envy I feel toward those people who have the ability to make a marriage work and endure happily. It's an art I've never been able to master." There are a lot of people like J. Paul Getty who envy people who can make a marriage work. Maybe you're one of them. So what does it take to make our marriages work? How do we endure happily? How do we master the art? There's no secret. It's not rocket science. Any two people can make a marriage work if they want to.
Making marriage work has everything to do with how well we communicate with our spouses. For you see if the goal of marriage is oneness, then the key to oneness is communication. Communication is the key to your marriage, not a lot money, not great sex, not mutual hobbies. There's nothing wrong with those things, but the key is communication. Communicating your thoughts and feelings, your hopes and dreams, your fears and failures. That's the key to becoming one. And when communication breaks down in a marriage relationship, oneness crumbles with it. And before long you can find yourself sleeping in the same bed with your spouse, night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year, six inches apart, yet a six thousand miles away from each other. Every married couple, if they're being honest, knows that feeling. Been there. Done that. No fun.
And God knows that, which is why the book of Proverbs has so much to say about communication. The way it works and the way it doesn't. And for the rest of the teaching today I want to look at four ways that couples tank oneness in their marriage. And they all have to do with how we handle conflict. Couples who handle conflict well thrive, couples who don't survive, maybe.
These four patterns of communication are found in the book A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage. It's a book that Jennifer and I have found extremely helpful over the last few months. I highly recommend it if you want to improve your marriage. In their extensive research of thousands of couples, the authors have discovered that there are a lot of ways that happy couples relate to each other. But there are just a few predictable ways that married couples repeatedly use to destroy oneness. And all four of them are mentioned in the timeless truth of Proverbs.
And in the time we have remaining I want us to look at the four patterns that can threaten marital oneness. And I want this to be interactive. So if you're married today, I want you to rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 in each of these four patterns, with 1 being poor and 5 being awesome. And then I want you to talk about them sometime today with your spouse. Invest in this teaching.
The first pattern is called Escalation ... what goes around comes around. Escalation happens when married couples go back and forth, upping the ante each time until the conversation gets more and more hostile. In escalation, negative comments spiral out of control and lead to frustration and anger. Often reckless and damaging things are said that threaten the very safety of the relationship.
Most of us have been involved in these kinds of conversations and we know the damage they can do. Spewers, remember them, those who process their anger out loud, have a tendency to escalate.
Escalation often starts over small things, but can quickly get out of control. I've asked John and Jennifer, who are good at expressive reading, to help us understand what these four patterns sound like. Escalation sounds like this ...
John (sarcastically), "You think you can put the cap back on the toothpaste?"
Jen (just as sarcastic), "Oh, and you never forget to put it back on?"
John, "I always put it back on."
Jen, "Oh, I forgot just how compulsive you are. You're always right."
John, "I don't even know why I stay with you. You're so negative."
Jen, "Maybe you shouldn't stay. No one's barring the door."
John, "I'm not really sure why I stay anymore."
That's escalation. It can go from the cap on the toothpaste to the divorce court in just a matter of seconds. And that can threaten the lifeblood of a marriage. Proverbs 12:18 says, Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 15:1 says, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. You can't say anything you feel, anytime you feel like it, and have a healthy marriage. Some one has to call time out and soften their tone and drop their gun or real damage is going to be done.
On a scale of 1-5 how would you rate yourself on escalation? Again one is poor, it means you do it all the time, 5 means it's not a problem for you.
Second, invalidation ... or painful putdowns. Invalidation is a pattern in which one partner subtly or not so subtly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other. It can take a lot of different forms.
Sometimes invalidation sounds like this ...
Jen (with a tear), "You know, I'm really frustrated by the hatchet job Bob did on my evaluation at work."
John, "You shouldn't feel that way. It wasn't all that critical. I'd be happy to have an evaluation as positive as that from Fred. Besides, why don't you just give it to the Lord?"
Jen (with a sigh and turning away), "You just don't get it. It really upsets me."
John, "Yeah, I see, but I still think you're overreacting."
That's invalidation. John put down Jennifer's feelings. And when we do that we're saying that what you're feeling is wrong. We may even think we're trying to help, trying to cheer up our wife or our husband by saying things like, "It's not so bad," or "just give it to the Lord." But instead we're minimizing their thoughts and feelings and taking safety right out of the relationship. It's going to be harder and harder for them to be real when we say stuff like, "You shouldn't feel that way!" Does Proverbs talk about this? You bet.
Proverbs 25:20, Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda (which causes a violent reaction), is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
When our partner is sharing a feeling, don't minimize it. Listen and affirm that feeling. Sometimes that means saying nothing, but giving a touch or a hug, sometimes that means saying, "I understand," sometimes that means saying, "This is what I'm hearing you say. Is that right?" Validation doesn't mean you agree with your partner, or that you would feel the same way, but it does mean you hear and respect their feelings.
On a scale of 1-5 how would you rate yourself on this one? Most of my married life, I've been a one. This is the pattern I'm working on right now. One is poor, 5 means you're doing well in this area.
Third, negative interpretations ... when perception is worse than reality. Negative interpretation happens when one partner consistently believes the worst about the other. One partner assumes the motivations of the other are always more negative than they really are.
Sometimes it sounds like this ...
John, "You left the car out again."
Jen, "Oh. I guess I forgot to put it in when I came back from Diane's."
John (with a bit of a sneer), "I guess you did. You know how much that irritates me."
Jen (exasperated), "Look, I forgot. Do you think I leave it out just to irritate you?"
John (coldly), "Actually, that's exactly what I think. I've told you so many times that I want the car in the garage at night."
Jen, "Yes, you have. But, I don't leave it out just to tick you off. I just forget."
John, "If you cared what I thought about things, you'd remember."
Jen, "You know that I put the car in nine times out of ten."
John, "More like half the time, and those are the times I leave the garage door up for you."
Jen, "Have it your way. It doesn't matter what reality is. You'll see it your way no matter what I say."
That's negative interpretation. When leaving the car out is treated as a malicious act. Again, it might sound like a little thing, but it isn't. Because John thinks, "Jennifer doesn't care about me. If she cared about me she'd put the car away." But that's not true. Jennifer does care about John. But often the things our spouses do that really annoy us are either well intended or done without any thought of harm. And it really hurts to be accused of something you never intended to be malicious.
Proverbs 18:13 says, To answer before listening, that is folly and shame. Don't jump to negative conclusions about your mate's behavior. Ask yourself if you're being too critical or negative. Look for ways that your partner shows they do care about you. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Jesus said in Matthew 7:3,5, Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in someone else's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ... First take the plank out of your own eye. Remember you're not perfect either. Cut your partner some slack, you'll need it too.
On a scale of 1-5 how would you rate yourself on this one? Again one is poor, 5 means you're doing well in this area.
Fourth, withdrawal and avoidance ... or hide and seek. Withdrawal and avoidance happens when one person in the relationship just won't get into or stay with any kind of important discussion. It can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as just "tuning out" or "shutting down" during an argument. This is an easy pattern for stuffers to fall into. Stuffers, those who process their anger internally, often get real quiet during an argument, look away, or agree real fast just to get the conversation over with and never really resolve anything. Avoidance is when you won't even go there in the first place.
Sometimes withdrawal sounds like this ...
Jen, "When are we going to talk about the way you handle your anger?"
John (sigh), "Can't this wait? I have to get these taxes done."
Jen, "I've brought this up at least five times already. No, it can't wait."
John (tensing), "What's to talk about, anyway? It's none of your business."
Jen (frustrated and looking right at John), "Our daughter, Jackie, is my business and I'm afraid that you're going to lose your temper and hurt her, and you won't do a single thing to deal with your anger."
John (turning away, looking out the window), "I love Jackie too. There's no problem."
Jen, "You have to get some help. You can't just stick your head in the sand."
John, "I'm not going to discuss anything with you when you get like this."
Jen, "Like what? It doesn't matter if I'm calm or frustrated, you won't talk to me about anything important. Jackie's having problems and you just have to face it."
John (quiet, tense, fidgeting)
Jen, "Well?"
John (gets up to leave), "I'm going outside to get some peace and quiet." (John leaves, then Jennifer leaves to follow him)
That's withdrawal and avoidance and that can torpedo oneness. Lots of couples do this dance when they deal with difficult issues. One pursues, like Jennifer, and the other withdraws, like John. Studies show that in most marriages, not all the time, men tend to withdrawal and women tend to pursue. That's because most men don't feel emotionally safe staying in an argument. And so women feel shut out, like their husbands don't care about the relationship. But often that's not the case, the husband does care, he just hates the conflict.
The book of Proverbs says the wise person enters into those difficult discussions that have to do with how we handle our anger or some other sensitive issue. Proverbs 15:31, Whoever listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.
And we're to do it quickly. In Ephesians 4:26-27, the apostle Paul says, Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Avoiding important discussions and leaving difficult issues unresolved gives Satan all kinds of room to mess with a marriage. On a scale of 1-5 how do you rate?
Marriage is a wonderful thing when it's working well. The feeling of oneness with your mate is awesome. But it's not about chemistry and sexual attractiveness, it's about communication. It's about sharing your life, not just your teeth with each other. And the communication that makes a marriage work well is possible for every single one of us. Let's obey God together and enjoy what he intended our marriages to be.