Living the Dream


10/29/2006 - Lust, Sex & Marriage



In his best selling book on sexual temptation called Everyman's Battle Stephen Arterburn opens with this story. He and his wife, Sandy, had just celebrated their first anniversary and he was feeling pretty good about life and about their future together. And one beautiful sun-splashed day he hopped in his convertible and started driving along the Southern California beach heading north on the Pacific Coast Highway.

He writes, "I never intentionally set out to go girl watching that day, but I spotted her about two hundred yards ahead and to the left. She was jogging toward me along the coastal sidewalk." He then gives a rather graphic description of her bikini clad body. And as he was turning his head further and further, craning his neck to capture every possible moment the front of his car went bam!

Fortunately, he was in stop and go traffic and only going about 15 miles per hour when he plowed right into the car ahead of him. But it was fast enough to crumple his bumper and crinkle his hood and make the other driver very unhappy. So he slowly got out of his car feeling embarrassed, humiliated, saturated with guilt, and unable to come up with a reasonable explanation of what just happened.

When he got home that evening he couldn't offer his wife a reasonable explanation either. So he made one up and said, "You see, Sandy, it was stop and go traffic, and I was reaching down to change the station on the radio and the next thing I knew, bam, I rammed into the car in front of me. Lucky no one was hurt."

He then goes on to write, "Actually, that's not true. My young marriage was hurt because I was cheating Sandy out of my full devotion, though I didn't know it at the time. Nor was I aware that although I had vowed to commit my life to Sandy, I hadn't totally committed my eyes to her. And I continued in the darkness for another ten years before realizing I needed to make drastic changes in the way I looked at women."

This morning Jesus is going to talk to all of us about some drastic changes that we may need to make in the way we look at women and at men and at sex and at marriage. Jesus is going to march head on into the mine field of human sexuality and talk boldly and publicly about things that in his day were rarely discussed in private.

If you have a Bible meet me at Matthew 5:27 (p.684) as we continue our series called Living the Dream with a teaching I've called "Lust, Sex & Marriage." Is it warm in here or is that just me?

We're in the midst of this great Sermon on the Mount that Jesus is preaching. And already we've discovered that Jesus is real interested in our hearts, our attitudes, our motives, our thoughts, the things that go on in our heads, not just in our actions and our rituals and our outward behavior. He puts it this way in Matthew 5:20, For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus is offering his followers, not more rules to follow, but a new heart to receive. And so from here on out in his sermon he goes after our hearts. Last week to an audience that was proud of the fact that they weren't wanted for murder, he went after anger and hatred and the things that drive us to kill people with our words. "Relationships, he said, "are top priority in my kingdom."

And today to an audience that was proud of the fact that they hadn't slept in the wrong bed, Jesus goes after their lust and the adultery that they're committing in their hearts because in his kingdom that's a major problem.

Look at Matthew 5:27-28 ,You have heard that it was said, "Do not commit adultery." 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Lust is nothing new. To have an intense sexual desire for someone who is not your husband or your wife is part of the global fallout of the curse. It's a smoldering fire that burns inside each and everyone of us to some degree and it must be kept under control. If you battle with lust, welcome to the human race. You are not alone.

A few months ago I attended a seminar for pastors and counselors called "The Number One Secret in Your Church." It was all about sexual temptation, understanding it better and learning how to respond to those who are struggling with hope and healing because according to the most recent studies one out of every two people who attend a church either regularly look at or are addicted to internet pornography. That's 50%.

At last count there were 4.2 million sexually oriented websites and 372 million pages of pornography on the internet and it increases everyday. The average age of first exposure is eleven. Children ages 12-17 are the single largest group of pornography consumers and women are the fastest growing group of consumers.

We live in a sex-saturated culture that bombards us every single day with pressures that distort God's design for healthy sexuality. Sex is a wonderful thing. It's a beautiful thing. And I believe that sex was created by God to be the ultimate physical expression of intimacy between a husband and a wife in the context of a loving, marriage relationship. But the more sexual gratification we seek outside the context of that kind of relationship the more shame and alienation we'll feel and the less able we'll ever be to connect intimately with one person in a deeply sexual way.

Which is why Jesus says, "You think you're pretty good because you haven't committed adultery, because you haven't slept in the wrong bed, but in your mind you hop from bed to bed to bed with every lustful look."

Now I do believe that a man can truly look at a woman and appreciate her beauty without lusting after her. And I also believe that when a man looks at a woman God wants us to appreciate all that she is as a person. She not only has a body, but she has a mind, she has an intellect, she has feelings, she has a story, she has a family, she has a mom and a dad. She's a human being, a person of value and worth created in the image of God. But lust can reduce that same person to an object, to a thing, to a possession, to a means to the end of satisfying my own desires. Lust violates the law of love.

We live in a sin cursed world that's filled with pain. We all know that. And instead of embracing the pain and allowing it to push us closer to God which can have a powerful healing affect on our lives, we're tempted to run from the pain, to numb the pain, to medicate the pain in all kinds of ways not the least of which is through sex. And as one man wrote, "Sexual addiction is every bit as powerful as addiction to alcohol or drugs. It promises everything and delivers nothing and in the end it will spit you out and call you a fool."

Not long ago I was watching the Today's Show while I was getting dressed and a woman was being interviewed about sexuality. I think she was a therapist who may have written a book and she said, "We need to connect sex with intimacy again. If we disconnect sex from intimacy, we will not be able to find intimacy through sex with anyone." That's what Jesus is trying to prevent from happening to the people he loves. That's why he wants us to control our thoughts and our urges and stay in the right bed even in our minds.

In his bookTo Own a Dragon, Donald Miller has a chapter called "Sex: The Value of the Dollar in Argentina." And in that chapter he describes a visit that he made to a major university where he was invited to a fraternity house to talk candidly about sex to a bunch of horny college guys. In the bathroom, he says, there was a stack of pornography piled high with his book Blue Like Jazz sitting on top of it.

And at one point while he was being grilled as to why sex was best saved for marriage he said, "You all know the value of a dollar. There are smart guys in Washington and New York who spend a lot of time making sure that the value of a dollar stays high. And we all saw what happened in Argentina a few years ago when the bottom dropped out of the economy and the dollar became worthless. That's not a good thing. Sex is like that. God is concerned with the value of sex staying high. It's important to a person's health, a family's health, a society's health. But like anything else, sex can be cheapened in our minds, so we don't hold it in high esteem. God doesn't think that's a good thing. Stuff God doesn't think is good is called sin."

"And when sex is cheapened a lot happens. The main thing is there is no sacred physical territory associated with commitment … There isn't anything physical, experiential, that a man and woman have only with each other. Sleeping around does something to the heart, to the mind. It leaves less currency to spend on a sacred mate."

This was a big one for Jesus because he knows what's best for us. He wants us to fully enjoy our sexuality in the way that God intended. Which is why he says in verse 29, If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

I don't believe Jesus is encouraging self-mutilation here because we can still lust even without a right eye and we can still lust even without a right hand. Instead, I believe he's saying that we all need to take drastic, radical steps to keep ourselves pure in the sexually confused world in which we live. Today he might say, "If your computer is causing you to sin, throw it in the dumpster. If your television is causing you to stumble, unplug it. If there's a person at work who is stirring your sexual desire, get a new job."

We all need to be on guard against sexual temptation because the smoldering fire of lust that lies within each of us can quickly become the raging fire of Gehenna that will totally consume us. Over the years I've talked to quite a few men who have come to me and said in one way or another, "Help! I'm in bondage to lust and pornography and it's eating me up. It's dominating my thoughts. It's ruining my relationships. It's controlling my life. What can I do?"

And I often tell them, "You've already done the most important thing. You've told somebody, because there is no hope for healing as long as this secret stays hidden in the darkness. It must be brought out into the light of God's love and healing."

And we talk about various ways to find healing and deliverance, but it always seems to come down to two. First, stop feeding the fire. The fire will never completely go out, but it can be greatly controlled by starving the fuel supply. And usually that means staying away from the images or situations or people or music or places that add fuel to the fire. And for each one of us that's different. We're not all tempted in the same way. We have to know ourselves because the boundaries that are necessary for me may not be the same as the boundaries that are necessary for you.

And we talk about practical steps like internet filters and accountability software and websites like xxxchurch.com that provide online support to those struggling with pornography. But support and accountability are a huge part of starving the fuel supply. It's hard to do it on our own. Radical steps need to be taken. "Go blind to the things that tempt you." Jesus says.

But not only do we need to stop feeding the fire. We need to fill our mind and our time and our lives with good things, healthy things, the kind of community the Bible says that will stimulate us to love and good deeds. Take advantage of the opportunities we offer throughout the Valley View community to get on board with the mission of Christ. There is a mission out there to advance God's kingdom that is so much greater and more fulfilling than meeting my own sexual desires.

On our website and on the resource table there's a list of groups that meet throughout the week. There are service opportunities all the time. This week a group from Valley View loaded three pickup trucks and helped a person move. Next week some of us will be heading to Villanova University to serve at the Special Olympics. Teens gathered for Young Life in two homes this week to enjoy each other, have fun, and learn of Christ. Healthy, life giving relationships often come out of these situations.

Healthy community with others is essential to keep the smoldering fire of lust under control. Accountability with someone you trust is a big one too. I was out to dinner the other night with a close friend who has the permission to ask me, "How are you doing sexually?" And he did. And he's given me the freedom to ask him that same question as well. I have two or three friends in my life like that.

But there are some of us who need even more than healthy community and personal accountability. We need the support of a trained counselor who can help us get in touch with the deep wounds that may be driving a sexual addiction that has us in bondage. And what you'll probably discover is that the issue is not about sex, the issue is about intimacy and connection and value and worth for which sex is just a counterfeit. There is hope and healing and freedom out there for you, but it will take some work to get there. And it starts by bringing the secret out into the light. Please let us know how we can help.

So then Jesus moves on to marriage in verse 31, It has been said, "Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce." 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

At that time there was a raging debate over the legal grounds for divorce. There were two prevailing schools of thought one championed by a rabbi named Shammai and the other by a rabbi named Hillel. And they were on opposite ends of the spectrum. The school of Shammai was very strict and said that divorce was only legal on the grounds of adultery. The school of Hillel, on the other hand, said that a man could divorce his wife if he found another woman more attractive, or if she burned his dinner, or put too much salt on his food, or talked with another man on the street, or didn't cover her head, or spoke disrespectfully about his parents, and on and on. Of course, in that culture a woman could never divorce her husband.

Now I've studied all the passages on divorce in the Scriptures for years and we've dealt with divorce and remarriage at length at Valley View most recently a few years ago in The Reality Series. You can find both the transcript and the audio version of that teaching on our website.

But in the few minutes we have left this morning let me just say that I believe God's ideal for marriage has always been a lifelong, loving commitment between a man and a woman the goal of which is oneness. But we don't live in an ideal world. We live in a world that's stained by sin. And God knows that which is why he makes certain provisions for divorce. And adultery is one of them, Jesus says.

I don't believe divorce is the unpardonable sin. God hates divorce the Bible says in Malachi 2:16. He hates the pain it causes people and families and children and homes. The pain of divorce, in my observation, is as strong as and sometimes stronger than the pain of death. But God loves divorced people and he is a God of grace that I believe offers a second chance.

But before we start thinking about second chances let me just say that I believe many marriages that are headed for divorce can be saved through the things we talked about last week and that is confession and brokenness and reconciliation. And if you're having trouble with those things in your marriage get help now and get help fast.

This week, Jennifer and I celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary. Actually, we observed it. It was a pretty busy week so we didn't get a chance to celebrate it. We're hoping to do that a little later. But I did tell her that these have been the best twenty-one years of my life and I want to do twenty-one more and twenty-one more after that and keep going. But there have also been some hard times too. There have been times when we've been stuck and needed the help of others. But it's always involved confession and brokenness and reconciliation. There's no way around it.

But that has to happen even after a divorce occurs. If you've been through the pain of divorce or are going through it right now let give you some counsel. First, before you even think about remarriage there has to be repentance on your part. You need to go before a gracious, loving, forgiving God and own your part of the marriage meltdown even if it was only 5%. You need to confess it and grieve over it and allow God to change you.

Then there needs to be reconciliation with your ex-spouse or else you will carry the poison of bitterness around in your body the rest of your life. Reconciliation doesn't mean you need to become best friends. But you need to forgive that person and let it go. Remember what the apostle Paul said, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

And finally, I believe you need to remain single until the equilibrium of your life comes back into balance and the toxins drain away. Rebound marriages rarely make it because the hard work of repentance and reconciliation was never done.

And in closing let me just say a word to all those whose marriages are doing just fine. Keep working on them. Your marriage is worth all the investment of time and energy that you can give it. The mission of Christ begins at home. And remember that there is no room around here to judge people who are going through marital stress or the pain of divorce. Jesus will have something to say about the dangers of judging a little later in his sermon. There's no room around here to give quick fix solutions for hard, complex problems. But there's plenty of room in this church for love and grace and prayer and encouragement and to provide an environment that seeks to strengthen existing marriages and stands by those going through marital breakdown. I believe that's the kind of church that Jesus died to create. And that's the kind of church I want to be a part of. How about you?