Finding the Love of Your Life
03/14/2004 - Keeping Love Alive
When Bruce introduced this series back in January he said that we were going to look at why community is so important to all of us. That we were going to learn how to build community, sustain community, and what to do when community falls apart in a marriage, in a family, in a friendship, at work, at school, and in the church because these are all places where community is expressed and experienced.
Today's teaching, "Keeping Love Alive," brings us right to the edge of the cliff. Today's teaching is about "forgiveness" and I ask you to open up your heart with a sense of urgency this morning. The option of forgiveness finds us when we are at a critical point in our relationships, a point where community will either flourish and soar to new heights or it will begin a slow painful death. Think right now about your community, your marriage, your family, your friendships, your circles here at Valley View Community Church.
Consider this quote from Lewis Smedes ...
"When you forgive someone,
you are dancing to the rhythm of the divine heartbeat.
God invented forgiveness as the only way
to keep his romance with the human race alive."
God invented forgiveness. It is the beat of his heart. It is our only hope for a relationship with Him.
Bruce has reminded us throughout this series that we all have flaws ... that we are all slightly irregular. Most of us are comfortable with that fact. We are painfully aware that we are not perfect and so it is something of a relief that we shouldn't expect perfection from others. The dance of the porcupines has served us as a graphic picture of how we can avoid one another's sharp quills and somehow find a way to love each other in community.
But what happens when the quills are not pulled back? What happens when the quills puncture and bite? What happens when my slightly irregular condition does something that collides against your slightly irregular condition?
The love that we have enjoyed suffers a blow. Our relationship hangs in the balance. Community is threatened. Is this the end? Can community survive or will it die?
I hope we can be honest this morning. Many of us are at this very crossroads this morning. We have been deeply hurt in community ... a parent abandoned us, a spouse left us, a friend betrayed us, a family member abused us, a neighbor stopped talking to us, a child denounced us, a member of our small group is ignoring us, someone from church spoke harshly to us.
Some of us have relationships that have been on life support for years. No one wants to pull the plug. Forgiveness has never been a vital option. We are angry. We are hurt.
In his book, Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them , John Ortberg says that there are two ways to live with hurt: the way of vengeance and the way of forgiveness. The first way leads to death, and the second to life.
The way of vengeance is found early on in the Scriptures. In Genesis 4 we read of Lamech, a descendant of Cain, who murdered his own brother, Abel. Look at verses 23-24:
23Lamech said to his wives, "Adah and Zillah, listen to me; wives of Lamech, hear my words. I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me. 24 If Cain is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times."
Sounds harsh doesn't it? We are not like that are we? We would never kill someone just for injuring us. Perhaps not, but we love to think of ways to get back at them. We love to rehearse our speeches ... how we are going to let them have it next time we see them. Or better yet, how we are going to ignore them ... send them a message that we don't need them. Sometimes our schemes are so diabolical that they make no sense.
I remember as a kid, being mad at my parents and stewing up in my bedroom. When they came to the bottom of the steps and called up to ask if I wanted to join them in the kitchen for a bowl of ice cream, I refused. "That'll teach them, I'll stay right here and punish them by not eating their ice cream!"
Maybe you've seen the classic "A Christmas Story" about the little boy, Ralphy, who wanted a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas. He was so mad at his mother when she washed his mouth out with soap that he dreamed of the day when he would return to them after running away for a long time. In his twisted fantasy they discover that he is blind. They throw themselves at his feet crying and ask how he lost his sight. With a gloating smile he tells them ... it was the soap.
We can laugh at those incidents, but the real life situations are far from funny. When we have been hurt we immediately become resentful and think of ways to make people pay.
Frederick Buechner wrote that of all the deadly sins, resentment appears to be the most fun. To lick your wounds and savor the pain you will give back is in many ways a feast fit for a king. But then it turns out that what you are eating at the banquet of bitterness is your own heart. The skeleton at the feast is you. You start out holding a grudge, but in the end the grudge holds you.
This morning we want to look at the alternative to vengeance. We want to explore the divine heartbeat ... forgiveness. Let's look at a parable that Jesus told found in Matthew 18 beginning with verse 21.
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:21-26)
21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Peter though Jesus would be really impressed with his question. After all, the Jewish rabbis had taught that you must forgive three times. Peter had more than doubled it.
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven = 490).
Jesus was saying not to worry about a number ... just keep forgiving. Then he went on to tell this story ...
23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents (gazillions of dollars) was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
I just saw a headline in Thursday's Phoenix that read "Embezzlement trial set." The article reported that the business manager of a local Chevrolet dealership is accused of embezzling more than $285,000 in less than two years that he worked for the dealership.
The Assistant District Attorney said "he used a company credit card to finance a life of luxury for him and his wife - fancy dinners, expensive trips, designer clothing and similar items." In addition to misusing the company credit card he also diverted checks made out to a phony advertising agency into his personal bank account and filed a claim with the dealership's insurance company and deposited the check into his personal account. He is currently free on bail awaiting his next court appearance.
$285,000 ... that's a lot of money and, from all accounts, it seems to be all spent. Let's say that the man goes to court. The evidence against him is irrefutable. He is found guilty and the owner of the Chevrolet dealership is present in the court when his sentence is read ... a two year prison sentence without parole, an additional three years of supervised release and the complete repayment of the $285,000 which must begin immediately by his wife through compulsory employment.
He is stunned. He had never heard of such a sentence. While he is sitting in jail, his wife is forced to work to repay the debt. In desperation he pleads with the owner for a lighter sentence.
The owner has every reason to exercise the Law of Lamech ... to extract his fair payment ... if this guy stole that much money to finance a life of luxury for himself and his wife then it is only fair that they should both pay.
But for some reason the owner chooses to forgive. He drops the charges. He gives up his right for payback. The man and his wife walk out of the courtroom free and the owner is out $285,000.
The business manager in the story is you and I. We have been stocking up a moral debt our whole life. The owner of the dealership is Jesus, who is representing God. Here is where we begin to feel the divine heartbeat of God. God says you owe me, but I'll pay ... and the entire weight of an immeasurable debt falls on His Son, Jesus.
That is forgiveness ... that is the heartbeat of God ... that is God's invention to keep his romance with the human race alive.
In the time that we have left, I want us to take a closer look at forgiveness. Jesus is asking us to do the same thing but at a much lesser cost.
What is it that we do, exactly, when we forgive? Let's start by looking at three things that forgiveness is not and then three things that are part of true forgiveness.
Three Things that Forgiveness is Not ...
Forgiveness is not the same thing as excusing.
If a little kid is staring at the cereal in the grocery store and runs into you, you don't need to forgive him ... you simply excuse him. He's a little kid. He's enamored by the cereal boxes. It's excusable behavior.
But when there is no good rationale to explain why someone did something to hurt you ... that is when forgiveness is required.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
We've all heard the saying forgive and forget. That might be possible when someone cuts you off in traffic. But it is impossible to forget when someone has deeply or repeatedly hurt us.
Forgiving is precisely what is required when we cannot forget.
Forgiving is not the same thing as reconciling.
I have a good friend who has always struggled with his father. I always just assumed it was because his father abandoned him and his mother and brothers and sisters ... leaving them in a very difficult situation to fend for themselves.
It wasn't until recent years that he confided in me that for years his father had physically abused him repeatedly in a tortuous, intimidating way. Nobody else in the family knew anything about it and if they did, they never did anything about it.
My friend is an adult now and still tormented by his feelings of hatred toward his father. One day we were talking about how difficult it is for him to get on with his life and I made the radical suggestion that he forgive his father.
I'll never forget the look of anguish that came over him as he shook his head from side to side and said over and over, "no, no, no!"
My friend thought that I was saying he needed to reconcile with his father. To run back to him and spend time with the man that struck terror into his heart. That is not forgiveness. Forgiveness only requires one human being. Reconciliation requires two willing parties both broken and sincerely sorry. So what does forgiveness involve?
What forgiveness is ...
Forgiveness begins when we give up the right to get even.
Thisis where you need to think about your personal situation. Who is it that you want to pay? Who is it that you want to punish? Who is it that you think about and dream of all the ways their life could be as miserable as they have made yours?
My friend is tormented day and night by thoughts of his father. Somehow, he wants him to pay. I was not asking my friend to excuse his father. I was not asking my friend to forget all the horrible things his father had done to him. I was not asking him to reconcile with his father and put himself in a position where his father might try to hurt him again.
I was asking him to stop trying to get even. Vengeance by its nature is insatiable. I was inviting him to be free ...
Forgiveness involves a new way of seeing and feeling.
When we have been hurt by another person we tend to stop seeing them as a person and rather only see the hurt.
When we forgive we begin to look past the hurt and focus on the humanity of the one who hurt us. We recognize that they do not live a perfect life ... they didn't have perfect parents ... they are lonely or hurting or weak just like me. But they are also created in the image of a God who loves them.
Forgiveness progresses when you find yourself wishing the other person well.
No longer do you fantasize about the pain that you would wish upon their life. You begin to hope for good things for them. You desire the peace of God in their troubled life.
Forgiveness is the very heart beat of God. It is His invention and the only hope for His romance with the human race. When we choose to forgive, we open the door to the miraculous. God is just waiting for us to express our faith and attempt the unimaginable.
God commands us to forgive because He knows that no human beings are more miserable than the unforgiving.
The movie "The Rookie" is based on the true story of Jim Morris, a father, teacher and high school coach who thought his dream of playing major league baseball was over. It is also the story of a man living with the hurt of a father who never showed any interest in his love for baseball and always made him feel it was a waste of his time.
The clip that I am about to show begins with Jim Morris bringing his son to his grandfather's house where he lives alone, long separated from Jim's mother. Jim's father has just given his grandson a birthday present, a first basemen's glove and the boy has gone outside to play. You will quickly pick up on the long, deep hurt that Jim still feels toward his father ...
SHOW CLIP of an awkward moment between Jim and his dad, a talk between Jim and him mom in which she asks him to give up blaming his dad for everything that has gone wrong in his life, and, finally, his first major league strike out, the interrupted post game interview when Jim realizes that his father is waiting to see him. They finally both let go and admit that they have both missed out on so much of each other's lives. Jim gives his dad the game ball ...
God commands us to forgive because He knows that when we do he will flood our lives with healing and deliverance that we never imagined possible ...
And just in case you're still not convinced, there's more to the parable that Jesus told. Verse 28 ...
28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (a few dollars). He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
Jesus is asking how can you not forgive those who have cost you so little when I have forgiven you who cost me so much.
Jesus said there are natural consequences for not forgiving. John Ortberg explained it this way ...
Don't forgive, and your anger will become your burden.
Don't forgive, and bit by bit all the joy will be choked out of you.
Don't forgive, and you will be unable to trust anybody, ever again.
Don't forgive, and the bitterness will crowd the compassion out of your heart slowly, utterly, forever.
Don't forgive, and that little grudge you nurse will grow larger, and stronger. Although you may think you can hide it from everyone you know, in time it will become a monster of hostility, and one day it will kill you. All that will be left of what was once a person is bitterness and hate. And that bitterness will spread.
Please do not choose vengeance ... choose rather to forgive.