The Healing Power of Love
11/28/2010 - Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves
Yesterday marked the one year anniversary, if you want to call it that, of Tiger Woods' infamous car accident at 2:30 in the morning outside of his Windermere, Florida, mansion. That happened a year ago yesterday and a lot has happened since in Tiger's life.
The accident not only wrecked his car, it wrecked his marriage. After it was revealed that he had engaged in multiple extra-marital affairs his wife, Elen, divorced him this summer and moved back to her native country of Sweden with a lot of money in her pocket, split custody of their two children, a three year-old daughter and a one year-old son, and a deeply wounded heart.
It affected his golf game. This was the first year since he turned pro back in 1996 that Woods didn't win a golf tournament. And after being the number one ranked golfer in the world for the last five years he fell off that pedestal a few weeks ago.
It affected his income. He lost three major endorsements because of his infidelity. And over the past year Tiger Woods has been very open and honest about the mistakes he made. He's admitted that his life was out of balance and his priorities were way out of order causing him to spin out of control. And it cost him both professionally and personally.
And now a year later he's clearly in a rebuilding phase. He's trying to get his life back together again and claims that he's "infinitely" happier than he was this time a year ago.
He tweeted for the first time last week in an attempt to get more connected to his fans who have stood by him and recently said, "At first, I didn't want to look inward. Frankly, I was scared to death of what I would find inside—what I had become. But I'm grateful that I did examine my life because it has made me more grounded than I've ever been. I hope that with reflection will come wisdom." If you're a Tiger Woods fan you hope so too.
It hasn't been easy for Tiger Woods to reflect on his life and look inward this past year, but it's been worth it. And it isn't easy for most of us to do either. It can be scary. It can be painful. It can be one of the hardest things we ever have to do. But if we're going to find healing for the wounds and hurts in our lives we need to look inward. We need to reflect. We need to be honest and as Matt said two weeks ago we need to release our wounds to Jesus, our wounded healer.
Jesus knows what it feels like to be hurt and rejected, to be wounded and betrayed, to be abused and abandoned, the victim of injustice. There's no greater example of injustice than that of the cross, the sinless Lamb of God being slaughtered for the sins of the world. It makes no sense that Jesus the lover of our souls would have to endure such hostile treatment. So we release our wounds to Jesus who understands and can identify with our pain.
But not only do we release our wounds to Jesus we also need to release the ones who have wounded us to Jesus for healing to occur. The very first words out of Jesus' mouth when he was hanging on that cross in Luke 23:34 were,Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. And he kept saying it. Release them, that's what the word forgiveness means, release them from the punishment they deserve for putting me on this cross because they don't know what they're doing.
Forgiveness is the way of Jesus. And if we're going to find healing for the wounds and hurts in our lives we need to forgive, we need to release those who have wounded us.
This morning we continue our series called The Healing Power of Love with another teaching on forgiveness because it's such an important part of the healing process. One teaching isn't enough.
Last time we said that forgiveness is a choice. We don't wait to feel forgiving before we forgive the person who hurt us. We forgive first and then the feelings of forgiveness follow.
We said that forgiveness is not forgetting. In fact, we need to remember the hurt in order to forgive the one who hurt us. And after we do, my experience is that the memories do fade over time but only after forgiveness has been granted.
In his book called I Should Forgive, But ... Dr. Charles Lynch, a former pastor and Christian counselor writes, "Before we forgive someone, the constant pain from their hurt can be a '10' on a scale of 1 to 10. But after forgiving them that pain may reduce to a '2' or even a '1.' With this great reduction in pain, the memory often fades. Or it may not. But the presence of the memory is not a factor in forgiveness."
There's a story that's told about Clara Barton, the founder of the American Red Cross. One day a friend came up to her and reminded her of a very cruel thing that had been done to her by another person years before. But Clara didn't recall it. "Don't you remember it?" her friend asked. "No," she said, "I distinctly remember forgetting about it." I love that! Clara remembered to forget. Forgiveness chooses not to dwell on the hurts of life of which there are many. And which can make us very cynical and keep us from fulfilling the greatest commandment of loving God and loving one another.
We said that forgiveness is not always a once and done deal. In some cases it needs to be reaffirmed again and again. But when something triggers the memory of the hurt we need it to trigger two other memories, the memory of how much we've been forgiven by God and the memory that we've already forgiven the person who has caused us the hurt.
We said that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. While reconciling the relationship is always the goal, reconciliation takes two people and isn't always possible. Forgiveness takes one person. Me. It's my decision and my decision alone.
Do you remember playing tug-o-war as a kid? As long as you were pulling hard on one end of the rope and your opponent was pulling hard on the other end you had a war going on. But when one of you dropped the rope the war was over. That's what it means to forgive someone, to release the rope. When you forgive another person you let go of the rope. And no matter how hard they may tug on the other end, if you've dropped the rope, the war's over for you. That's how forgiveness works. It's dropping the rope.
Finally, at the heart of forgiveness is giving up the right to get even and instead wanting the best for the other person. I know I've forgiven some one when I can look past the hurt they've caused me and see them not as an enemy, but as a person with hurts of their own as well and then eventually get to the place where I actually wish the best for them and mean it.
The healing power of love is rooted in genuine forgiveness. I love how N. T. Wright puts it when he says, "Forgiveness is like the air in our lungs. There's only room for us to inhale the next lung full when we've breathed out the last one. If we insist on withholding it, refusing to give someone else the kiss of life they need, we won't be able to take any more in ourself and we will suffocate very quickly."
The healing power of love is rooted in forgiveness. And our forgiveness of others is rooted in the forgiveness we have received from God. Jesus often talked about forgiveness in terms of a debt that's been removed. That was the point of the story I shared last time from Matthew 18, the parable of the unmerciful servant. When we understand the mountain of moral debt that Jesus removed from us on the cross, we are to be ready, willing, and able to remove whatever debt others may owe us. And if we don't we're in jeopardy of God's judgment and some very unpleasant consequences. It's a sobering story. Forgiveness is serious business.
Jesus made a similar point at dinner party in Luke 7. If you have a Bible turn with me to Luke 7:36-50,When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume.38As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. 39When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner." 40Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you." "Tell me, teacher," he said. 41"Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?" 43Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven." "You have judged correctly," Jesus said. 44Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little." 48Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." 49The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?" 50Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
The point of the story is obvious. Not many of Jesus' questions get answered correctly, but Simon nailed this one. The more we understand how much we've been forgiven by God the more we fall in love with Jesus. And the more we fall in love with Jesus the more ready and willing we are to love and forgive others even as Jesus loved and forgave this woman. I think the irony here is that the biggest debtor in the story is actually not the woman, but the self-righteous Simon. I think that because Jesus saved his strongest indictments for the self-righteous crowd.
I titled this teaching "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" because for many of us that forgiveness starts with our parents and then needs to extend to ourselves. Remember Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," but if we're harboring a lot of self-contempt that's going to be tough.
One of the best books on forgiveness I've ever read is called Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Our Selves by Dr. David Stoop. Jennifer and I have both benefitted from it and we've recommended it to many people over the years. In fact, I just reread it in preparation for this series.
Dr. Stoop opens up chapter 12 of his book with these thought provoking words, "'I don't think I've ever met anyone who hated their parents, who didn't also hate themselves (repeat). Our sense of self is derived so strongly from our parents that what we think about them, is inevitably going to shape what we think about ourselves. If we hate our parents, it is likely we will struggle with some degree of self-hatred. If we love our parents, it is likely we will feel better about ourselves. Then it stands to reason that if we find ourselves needing to forgive our parents we will also find that we need to forgive ourselves.
"All of us came from imperfect parents, and grew up in imperfect families. But to acknowledge this as an intellectual proposition is one thing. To actually admit that our parents failed us is, for some of us, a very hard thing to do. It may even seem like the wrong thing to do.
"But it is healthy, not dishonoring, to acknowledge that our parents failed us, hurt us, damaged us in some way - especially if we are doing so for the sake of forgiving them. We do neither our parents nor ourselves any honor by denying reality, eliminating the possibility of forgiveness, and locking ourselves into dysfunctional patterns of thinking and acting."
He goes on to say, "For many of us, the most difficult person to forgive is ourself. As hard as forgiveness is to learn, most of us have a much easier time learning to forgive others than we do learning to forgive ourselves. We are capable of feeling far more compassion toward others than toward ourselves.
"We need to learn to accept ourselves, with all our limitations, failings, and vulnerabilities, just as we learn to accept others. Our forgiveness flows from our forgiven-ness. Nowhere is this more true than in forgiving ourselves. If God himself is able to forgive us, how can we withhold forgiveness from ourselves? Because we have been forgiven, our obligation is to forgive those who do wrong to us, without exception - and that includes ourselves."
Those who have been forgiven much love much. And that's all of us according to Jesus. Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.
Stoop goes on to list five steps for forgiving ourselves and they're exactly the same steps he gives for forgiving others.
First, recognize the injury. We've talked about this already. This is where we go back and remember the offense or offenses that have hurt us. We come out of denial and choose to remember them.
Second, identify the emotions involved. Fear, guilt, shame, anger. Be honest with yourself about how you've felt. No emotion is right or wrong. Emotions are just what they are. It's what we do with them that's right or wrong.
Third, express the feelings. Talk them out. Shout them out. Write them out. Journal them. But get them out of the darkness and into the light. You can't keep them bottled up inside and find healing. This is why having a safe person in your life is so important. A spouse. A good friend. A trusted counselor.
Fourth, set boundaries to protect ourselves. These boundaries are to protect ourselves from ourselves. Eating too much. Drinking too much. Working too much. Unhealthy, illicit, dangerous sexual behavior. Pornography. Drug abuse prescription or non-prescription can all be self-destructive and will sabotage the healing process.
And finally, cancel the debt. The emotional IOU's we hold against ourselves can be every bit as real and damaging as those we can hold against other people. It helps to write them out and then mark "canceled" over them or tear them up or burn them.
This is a sensitive subject. I know. But if this is something that resonates with you I want to encourage you to find a safe person to process these feelings with and if it's a counselor that you need and you don't know where to turn Jen and I would be more than happy to recommend one for you.
All of us go through life carrying a backpack. They come in all different sizes. But we all have one. And whenever we get hurt in a relationship another stone gets added to the backpack. Some of the hurts are big, hurts by our parents, or by siblings, or by spouses, or significant others in our life. Some of the hurts are small by people we don't even know well. But every time we get hurt another stone gets put in the backpack.
And after awhile it can get real heavy to carry it around. It takes a toll on us emotionally and physically and spiritually. And we can choose to numb the pain by working real hard or staying real busy or by escaping into a world of alcohol or drugs or food or sex or some other addiction. But that won't lighten the load. That only makes things worse. There's only one way to lighten the load and that's by forgiving others and forgiving ourselves.
Forgiveness lightens the backpack because every time we forgive a person who's hurt us we take a stone out of that backpack and give it to God. And eventually, with God's help, I believe it's possible to completely empty the pack and keep it empty by living a lifestyle of forgiveness.
The Christian life is a supernatural life lived out in a natural world full of hurt and disappointment and injustice. And if we're not careful we can easily fall victim to the anger and bitterness, guilt and shame that can destroy us. But God calls us to live life another way, a better way, the way of Jesus.
Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.