More Ready Than You Realize
07/17/2005 - The Dynamics of Spiritual Friendship
This morning we continue our series called More Ready Than You Realize with a teaching I've called "The Dynamics of Spiritual Friendship." Our series is based on the book by the same name written by pastor and author Brian McLaren. And McLaren's book is based on a spiritual friendship that he developed with a woman named Alice. In fact, the book is really a journal of their email interactions over a number months that God used to bring this woman to faith in Jesus Christ.
It all started when they met at an event that took place in McLaren's church outside of Baltimore, Maryland. He had just released his second book called Finding Faith and was invited to do a book signing at the church building. He describes it as a rather elegant affair complete with a punch bowl and hor d'oeuvres and background music provided by a harpist they had hired from Philadelphia. And the harpist was this woman named Alice. Alice is not her real name, but that's the identity she's given in the book.
And at the end of the evening, as he was walking to his car he noticed that Alice was struggling to load the harp into her van. And his first thought was, "I'm so glad I play the guitar!" But his second thought was, "Maybe I better help her." And that's what he did. He helped her hoist the harp into the back of her van and as he was about to walk away Alice turned to him and said, "While you were talking tonight, I had a chance to look through your book and I have a question for you. Do you really mean all that stuff you wrote in the book or are just trying to make Christianity sound good?"
McLaren said, "Well, Alice, that's quite a question! Tell me what you mean," and so began what I call a "spiritual friendship" - a friendship that continues to this day. I didn't actually see Alice for several months after that initial meeting, but I gave her a copy of my book, and within twenty-four hours I got the first of many emails, which I would like to share with you, with Alice's permission.
But before we look at that first email let's talk about the reasons that McLaren wrote his book and why we're devoting our whole summer series to exploring it. Let me give you four reasons.
First, so we can hear the real "voice" of a real seeker living in our postmodern matrix. And this is so important for us as a church because our mission, as we discussed last week, is to be a biblical community that helps seekers become fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ.
And to be of any help we have to be in touch with the perceptions and the concerns and the struggles of those around us who are living with us in this postmodern matrix. Now I know those terms need some explanation. After all, that's the subtitle of the book, "Evangelism as Dance in the Postmodern Matrix."
What's a matrix? The word "matrix" simply means an environment, a place where something originates, emerges or develops. You can call the culture we live in our matrix. It's our environment where different ideas originate, emerge, or develop.
And what's a postmodern matrix? It's the environment that's influenced by postmodern thinking, thinking that's often skeptical of things that claim to be certain and suspicious of anything declared to be absolute truth. It's a culture that values relativity and experience over reason and proof. It's a place where tolerance is an extremely high value and where people long for connectedness and community but often find it rare and elusive.
It's almost impossible to define postmodernism. It's much easier to describe it and easier yet to feel it. It's the culture that we interact with everyday. It's the air we breathe. And some of it's wonderful and opens the door wide for the values of Jesus, but some of it can be very threatening to issues of our faith. So we need to understand how our postmodern culture affects the way we think and believe and live out our faith.
The second reason for this series is so we can begin to see how modern Christianity looks to a postmodern seeker.
In his book Postmodern Pilgrims author Leonard Sweet puts it this way, "Moderns want to figure out what life's about. Post-moderns want to experience what life is about because reason does not answer the deeper needs of the heart."
People who are seeking today aren't so much looking for cleverly conceived answers to all their spiritual questions. They're not so much looking for truth as they're looking for something that's real, something that they can touch and feel and experience. And something that touches them deeply. They're looking for exactly what Jesus uniquely equipped his followers to give and that is love.
Jesus said in John 13:34-35, A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
Jesus has always offered what the human soul is desperately seeking, that is love. That love transcends modernism, postmodernism or any culture in the world.
That's why one of the greatest expressions of the reality of Christ in our midst is our greeting time here at Valley View. That's why we make time to express our love for one another before our worship, in the midst of our worship, and even after our worship. And new people often tell me that their first impression of Valley View is that this church loves each other. That's very attractive to those who are seeking.
The third reason for this series is so we can begin to prepare for some significant spiritual dialogues of our own. Remember evangelism is a dance, it's not an argument. My baseball friend wants to argue theology. I'd rather talk about Jesus, who he is, and what he's done in my life. The evangelism of Jesus is dialogue not debate.
The apostle Paul who I'm sure could argue with the best of them because he was brilliant and articulate and courageous once said this to his friend Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:23-26, Don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. 24The Lord's servants must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone. They must be able to teach effectively and be patient with difficult people (NLT).
And the fourth reason for this series is to catch a fresh vision of what evangelism should and could be. Some of us, myself included, need to shed some old, stale, negative images of evangelism like we talked about last week and enter into the most exciting adventure that God has for his people and that is the opportunity to proclaim the good news in life and word and to be part of someone else's story of how they discovered meaning and purpose in life through Jesus Christ.
So McLaren helps Alice load her harp into the trunk of her van and the very next morning finds this email on his computer. Let me read part of it to you, (blank slide) "Hi Brian, This is Alice, the harpist from your book signing party, I read your book this morning. It caused me to think a lot about a lot of things. I actually would like to tell you about it, but I'm afraid this email will be very lengthy. I don't want to burden you, but I really need to talk to someone and I can't think of anyone else I can talk to about religion. I know this probably sounds psychotic considering I just met you last night. I don't know, I'm nervous to say anything at all. I'll try to make it quick and you don't have to respond, probably more I'm just writing for myself. In any case, please don't feel any pressure to respond."
The very next morning Alice writes this email. She's stayed up half the night reading a book called Finding Faith and has this intense desire to dialogue about the things she's read. She's more ready that you realize to enter into a sincere spiritual friendship, but she has no one that she feels safe talking to about religion so she turns to McLaren with her thoughts and apologizes that she may be burdening him.
She continues her email by writing, "Recently, I've been feeling like I want to become a Christian, and maybe even start going to church and stuff, but there have been two problems. First, whenever I go to any church or read any church literature, I change my mind. That's my first problem. My second problem is that my boyfriend is a Christian. He belongs to a non-denominational church in the area, but whenever we talk about religion I feel nauseated. I get so angry and I get these horrible visions of brainwashing and the like. The bad thing is, his church is not like that. I know I'm completely unjustified in what I feel, but I can't help it, and every time I talk with him about it I leave feeling worse."
She goes on in her email to describe a recent interaction with her boyfriend. "When I opened up about some of my spiritual struggles he was really wonderful with it, he didn't act super happy and didn't ask too many questions. He knows how to handle me. But inevitably, eventually we got into an argument about it. I know a lot of what I say to him is rooted in pride and I don't want to let him win the Christianity argument."
Stop right there. Remember, Jesus never asked us to argue people into his kingdom. When dialogue over spiritual things escalates into an argument it's time to back off and not insist on having the last word in the debate, but instead give space.
Jesus was a master at giving people space. He could have blown anybody away in an argument. He was always right! But as we read through Gospels we get the sense that Jesus wouldn't go there because he didn't want to humiliate people. He was a friend of sinners and unbelievers because he treated them with respect and dignity. And he knew that when you don't give people space to think for themselves, they become less open and not more open to the gospel. Sometimes it's possible to care too much and smother people instead of giving them space.
I love the picture of evangelism that McLaren uses from the Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard. He said that an evangelist is like a person who hides behind a bush and when his friend walks by, he sneaks up behind him and gives him a kick in the rear end. Then he dives back behind the bush again. The friend turns around and doesn't see anyone so he keeps walking. But now he walks no longer semiconscious. He's startled, scratching his head, looking around and wondering, "Who was that? What's going on here? Am I being watched?" His whole mind and curiosity are awakened. And in the same way, when a person helps another person begin to think about spiritual matters, he dives behind a bush. He "doesn't act super happy about it or ask too many questions," but instead he hides and gives his friend space, time, and privacy to think through things on his own.
We need a lot of patience in our spiritual friendships with others. Kierkegaard also uses the picture of being a midwife. We can't be coercive, pushy, and combative. We need to be patient and gentle like a midwife, knowing that giving life takes time and can't be rushed without potentially lethal damage.
Evangelism is all about relationships and trying to convert somebody violates the trust that relationships need to thrive. There always needs to be gentleness and respect in our interactions with people. The apostle Peter says exactly that in 1 Peter 3:15 when he writes, But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
This verse has often been misunderstood and has caused lots of confusion. We're not called upon to give answers to everybody's questions. We don't need to be the Bible Answer Man or Woman. Instead, we're called upon to give the reason for the hope that we have. And the reason is Jesus Christ. We have set him apart in our hearts as our Lord. Christ in you, the hope of glory.
Now I want to close this teaching by giving you three dynamics of a spiritual friendship. We've alluded to them already. The first dynamic is to be a safe person. It starts there. People are more ready than you realize to talk about God, but they're looking for a safe person to talk to, someone who will listen to them and won't shame them or judge them or condemn them or preach at them or try to sell them anything. That's what Alice was looking for.
McLaren has a son in high school named Brett. And Brett started bringing a friend named Dan to McLaren's church. And one summer Dan went on vacation with them. And while on vacation Dan said, "Mr. McLaren, coming to church has really helped me. All I really want now is to learn the ways of Christ. But one thing, I hope I never become a 'born again.'"
Which took McLaren back a bit because Jesus talked about our need to be "born again" or literally "born from above" in John 3. To be born again means to become like a child, to become a learner again. It's a wonderful, biblical concept. But it wasn't for Dan who went on to say, "A friend of ours at school became a born again. She used to be a really nice person, but now she's always judging everybody and she's pushed all her friends away. It's like they either have to convert or she doesn't want to be their friend. So I want to keep learning the ways of Christ, but I don't want to be born again."
Did you hear that church? Over the years I've heard people say that to me over and over again. They want to follow Jesus, but they're afraid that if they do they have to become some pushy, Bible banging, right wing, mean spirited, judgmental, born again type. That doesn't have to come with the package! Jesus was the safest person on earth to be around, unless you were a religious hypocrite. But everyone else seemed to be comfortable around him. He was safe and we need to be safe if we're going to enter into spiritual friendships.
In one of her emails, Alice says, "When I was reading your book today at certain parts I felt so good, and at certain times I actually felt like I was about to cry, because it felt like something was really getting through to me. But I feel like there is something holding me back, there's some sort of defense mechanism in me that tells me not to believe any of it. I need to make sure that I'm not being 'lured in,' just to find out once I go ahead and believe that a whole bunch of other stuff comes along with it that I can't feel comfortable with and then my whole person will change and I'll become close minded and bigoted and brainwashed and everything bad." Ouch!
The second dynamic is to genuinely care about people. There's a little description of Jesus in Acts 10:38 that simply says, "Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power went around doing good." I love that simple description of Jesus. He went around doing good because he genuinely cared about people. Jesus did a lot of things that we'll never be able to do like walking on water and stilling storms and raising the dead. But we all can do good.
McLaren's spiritual friendship with Alice began with doing good. He helped her hoist her harp into the back of her van and gave her the chance to begin a conversation. If he hadn't, chances are she would have gone home with the questions spinning in her mind, but no one to talk to.
Some call it earning the right to be heard. And we earn that right by serving, listening, caring, smiling, or doing something to show that we're gentle, kind, friendly, safe people. Surveys of new believers show that what meant the most to them about the person who led them to Christ was the fact that they listened to them. It wasn't so much what said, it was that they listened. Someone has said, "Talking is sharing, but listening is caring."
After last week's teaching I received an email with a quote that said, "Be careful how you live, you may be the only Bible some people ever read." Be careful to genuinely love and care about others.
And the third dynamic of a spiritual friendship is to be patient.
It often takes time for people to come to Christ. And we'll see some of that as we continue to track with Alice's story. But I want to close with another email that I received this week. A man wrote, "I wanted to thank you for your message yesterday. It's funny how you can pray and pray about something and then God delivers right when you need it. I've been struggling lately with my old friends, the guys I grew up with. They are on a much different path than me. And I'm okay with that, but I want to reach out to them."
"About nine of us went to Vegas last weekend for a bachelor party and it turned out pretty much how a bachelor party in Vegas would. I was so happy with my love and relationship with the Lord that I was able to avoid the temptations they enjoyed. I was definitely the 'odd man' out, but still managed to enjoy myself with things that were pleasing to God. Ten or twelve years ago, I may have been right with them. But today, it was exciting to see how much I've grown in Jesus!"
"The wedding was pretty much the same story. And again, I tried to live and show them through example. Don't get me wrong, they do notice and respect the choices that I make, but it has not been enough to change any of their behaviors. I feel as a Christian that I need to do all I can to show them salvation, but I realize ultimately, it is between them and God."
"Your message on evangelism helped though. It gave me perspective and guidance. I loved the part about it being a dance and not a sales pitch. I've always been the best dancer in our group. So I'll keep dancing and hopefully my friends will soon learn to recognize the true beat that I'm dancing to!"
In response I just said, "I can certainly appreciate your struggle and I guess I've learned over the years that prayer, patience, and trusting God with your friends is the best approach. No one loves them more than Jesus, not even you, and he is pursuing them in ways that you are not even aware of. Just continue to be who you are in front of them. That's the dance. And trust God that those who want to dance will join you some day, however slowly. Your example in Vegas went a long way, even if no one got out on the dance floor with you."