The Reality Series
05/16/2004 - Divorce & Remarriage
This morning we begin a new series at Valley View that we're simply calling The Reality Series . Over the next six weeks we're going to be looking at what the Bible says about some real life, everyday, highly charged emotional issues like divorce and remarriage, doubt and discouragement, money, sex, and power. These are the areas where all of us do battle every single day. And today we begin with a look at the extremely painful subject of divorce and remarriage because in the real world where all of us live divorce happens. And it happens a lot.
In 1920, there was one divorce for every seven marriages in the United States. In 1940, there was one divorce for every six marriages. In 1960, there was one divorce for every four marriages. And in the year 2000, there was one divorce for every two marriages in America.
Over one million kids are affected by divorce each year. Everyday talk shows deal with divorce and the anger it causes. Right now, Dr. Phil is discussing the demons of divorce on his national television show. Just this week I received a phone call from a man who said, "Because you're my pastor I just want you to know that today I served my wife divorce papers." A few nights ago I was on the phone with a woman in tears while her husband was packing his bags to leave.
According to George Barna a well-known researcher, one out of every four American adults has experienced at least one divorce. And, get this, people who call themselves born again Christians have a higher likelihood of getting divorced than those who claim to be non-Christians. The statistics are as troubling as they are staggering. Barna concludes his study by saying, "divorce may not be popular, but it remains common in America."
If you're divorced today you have lots of company in our society and in our church right here at Valley View. Chances are good that if you haven't been touched by the demons of divorce then somebody sitting in your row has. So before I go any further let me say that this teaching today is for everyone here whether you're married or single, whether you're young or old, whether you've been personally touched by divorce or not.
Let me also say that I'm well aware that many of you have experienced the pain of a divorce either in your own marriage or in your family. And just talking about this issue hurts. It brings back all kinds of bitter memories and opens up wounds that may have never healed. In fact, you may be scared to death right now. Your heart is racing wondering, "What's he going to say about my situation. Is he going to make me feel bad? Oh please, don't make me feel any worse than I already do."
You may think you've committed the unpardonable sin or that God can never forgive you. Let me assure right up front that if you've been divorced you have not committed the unpardonable sin, God can and will forgive you, and in many cases stands ready to give you a second chance. He's the God of all hope who wants to give you hope today for a fresh start. He loves you, and as a church we love you too.
So let's take a look together at four things God has to say about marriage and divorce. This teaching is not going to address every specific divorce situation, but it will lay down some guidelines that should serve all of us well.
First, God intends marriage to be permanent. He designed it to last a lifetime. Marriage was God's solution to our loneliness. In Genesis 2:18 the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. God performed the first surgery, put the man under anesthesia, removed a rib, and made him a partner called woman.
Then five verses later God conducts the first wedding ceremony, a beautiful, garden wedding. Look at verse 24, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. This verse contains the two divine purposes for marriage, loyalty and intimacy. When a marriage occurs there is to be a shift in allegiance from your parents to your spouse, that's loyalty. Then there is to be the intimacy of two becoming one in body, mind, soul and spirit.
Jesus echoed the same thing in Matthew 19:5-6, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Then Jesus adds, Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. Marriage is intended to be a permanent, life long covenant before God between one man and one woman.
In Ephesians 5, the apostle Paul uses the permanency of marriage to illustrate the relationship that Christ has with his church. Christ is committed to his followers for life. No matter how we behave he is never going to walk out on the relationship he has with us. He's never going to divorce his bride, the church. That's why believers in him can know for sure that they're headed for heaven. It's a permanent, secure relationship and marriage is the illustration of that.
God always intended marriage to be permanent. But God also knows that we live in a fallen, sin cursed, less than perfect world. And because of that God has made provision for divorce. Jesus refers to that provision in Matthew 19:7 when he's asked, Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? as found in Deuteronomy 24. Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning."
Jesus knew that in a marriage sometimes things happen that cause hearts to get hard and in some cases God makes provision for divorce. "God didn't command it," Jesus says, "he permitted it because of the hardness of your hearts. It was not meant to be that way." And in a perfect world it wouldn't be that way. But we don't live in a perfect world.
Jesus is well aware of the statistics. He knows we live in a real world of sin and lust and deception and betrayal and broken trust and tragedy and addictions and affairs and abuse and abandonment. Yet, he's saying, divorce was never God's intention. Marriage was intended to be a wonderful, life giving, mutually fulfilling, joy filled relationship of life long loyalty and intimacy between a man and a woman.
Let me stop right here and say to those of you who are not yet married, keep your standards high for the person you're going to commit the rest of your life to, because you're entering a relationship that God intends to last a lifetime. My pastor used to say, "It's better to be single than to be married to the wrong person." If you're a believer in Christ find a partner who is not only a believer in Christ, but who honors Jesus as the number one person in their life. Find a partner that loves Jesus more than they love you and if they do, then they will love you more than they would than if they loved you more than they love Jesus.
It took me 30 years, a few serious relationships, and a broken engagement to find a partner like that. When you get married remember you're entering into a lifelong commitment, which is why we say, "as long as we both shall live," not "as long as we both shall love."
Marriage was meant to last a lifetime, which is why God hates divorce. In Malachi 2:15-16 God says, So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce, " says the Lord God of Israel.
God hates divorce. He hates what divorce does to people. He hates the ripped up relationships, and the fractured families, and the anger and bitterness and pain it causes so many people.
Divorce is so painful because it betrays the loyalty that was promised and rips apart the most intimate community that God ever created for a man and a woman to enjoy. The oneness of marriage is not only a picture of the relationship of Christ and his church, it's a picture of the wonderful community that God himself enjoys among the Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And when that community was ripped apart at the cross it was so painful that Jesus cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" Which is often the way divorced people feel, forsaken and betrayed.
Someone well acquainted with the pain of divorce has written these words, "Each divorce is the death of a small civilization. Two people declare war on each other and their screams and tears infect their entire world with the bacilli of their pain. The greatest fury comes from the wound where love once issued forth ... When I went through my divorce I saw it as a country, and it was treeless and it was airless. There were no vacations and no holidays. I entered without a passport, without directions and absolutely alone. Insanity and hopelessness grew in that land like vast orchards of malignant fruit ... I wandered in that dark country of divorce, and for a year was one of it's ruined citizens. I suffered. But I survived. I studied myself on the edge, and introduced myself to the stranger who lived within."
God hates divorce because of what it does to the people he loves, but he doesn't hate divorced people. God loves divorced people. He hurts for divorced people. He identifies with divorced people. He feels their pain deeply because he himself experienced divorce. God was divorced.
Turn to Jeremiah 3:6-8 and listen to the pain in God's voice as he confides in his prophet Jeremiah, During the reign of King Josiah, the Lord said to me, "Have you seen what faithless Israel has done? She has gone up on every high hill and under every spreading tree and has committed adultery there. I thought that after she had done all this she would return to me but she did not, and her unfaithful sister Judah saw it. I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of her adulteries."
In this passage God compares his relationship with Israel to that of a marriage. And Israel, his wife, broke her marriage vows by committing adultery. Her adultery was the sin of worshiping other gods on every high hill and under every spreading tree. She flaunted her affair in broad daylight, in front of everybody, and shamed her husband, the Lord.
God knows what it feels like to be the victim of an affair. He knows the pain of betrayal. And it caused God to break his marriage covenant. He served Israel divorce papers and sent her away. God wasn't the guilty one, but he filed for the divorce. He knows that sometimes even the best-intentioned covenants can be broken. Divorce is always the result of sin, but it's not always a sin to get divorced or God himself would be a sinner.
Some of you have been the victim in your divorce. Your spouse has been unfaithful. You've been abandoned or abused emotionally, perhaps physically. You wanted the marriage to work, but your spouse was unwilling to change his or her behavior. And you were placed in the difficult position of having to file for the divorce, something you desperately didn't want to do and felt very guilty about. I want you to know that God understands. He's been in that position too. His spouse broke the covenant, but he had to serve the papers.
So how can the marriage covenant be broken? In addition to the death of a spouse, which breaks the marriage covenant and allows for remarriage, the Bible draws two distinct foul lines, foul lines that if crossed over allow the wounded spouse to exit the marriage and remarry again. In both cases divorce is not commanded, but it is permitted along with the right to remarry.
One foul line is clearly drawn in Matthew 19:9 where Jesus says, I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. That command is also found in Matthew 5:32.
The Greek word for marital unfaithfulness is the word "porneia." It's the word from which we get out English word pornography. It's a broad term, that includes all kinds of sexual behavior such as adultery, prostitution, homosexuality, fornication, child sexual abuse, even an out of control addiction to pornography. These are behaviors that are clearly outside the foul lines of the marriage covenant because they threaten the divine purpose of intimacy in the relationship. And Jesus saw them as serious enough to rupture the covenant. And so when these behaviors take place, Jesus says, divorce is permitted. It's not commanded. You may choose to stay in the marriage and work it through. But it is allowed. That was the reason God divorced Israel.
The other clear foul line is drawn in 1 Corinthians 7:15, But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. God has called us to live in peace.
In this passage, Paul is saying that if an unbeliever walks out on the marriage because he or she wants nothing to do with Christ then the believing spouse is not bound to continue in that marriage. Abandonment of a believer by an unbeliever breaks the marriage covenant because it strikes at other divine purpose of marriage which is loyalty. And when that happens the remaining spouse is free to remarry, but only to someone in the Lord, verse 39 says. Again, divorce is not commanded, but it is permitted.
Those are the two clear biblical reasons for divorce. The first is adultery, porneia, which violates the promise of intimacy and the second is the abandonment of a believer by an unbeliever, which violates the promise of loyalty.
But what if a believer abandons another believer? What about that situation? The apostle Paul addresses that in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord). A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
If there is no adultery involved, but two believers choose to separate, Paul says stay single and seek reconciliation. Reconciliation is always the first option to resolving marital conflict. Divorce is always the last option to pursue.
However, let me also say that if one member of the marriage refuses to be reconciled and continually resists the counsel of church leaders or other professionals then according to Matthew 18:17 that person is to be treated as an unbeliever because their heart has hardened to that degree. Reconciliation always takes two. And in that situation, I believe, the abandoned spouse is free to remarry someone in the Lord.
There are other situations that I feel also warrant separation and sometimes even divorce, among them are physical and emotional abuse. But what if two partners don't get along, or find that they don't love each other anymore, or that they're attracted to somebody else, or discover that they married for the wrong reasons, or that they're not happy, or fulfilled, or are feeling tied down, or want to find someone who will listen to them, or who is better in bed, or will meet more of their needs than their current spouse, what about those situations?
Well, certainly each case needs to be dealt with individually. But the overwhelming counsel of Scripture is to stay in the marriage. Get help. Seek counsel. Pray. Ask God to soften your heart and the heart of your spouse. Your marriage can be saved.
I bet if we were honest this morning most of the married couples here have felt, at one time or another, that they married the wrong person. And if you've haven't felt that way, you probably haven't been married long enough. A good marriage takes work. It doesn't just happen. Some marriages may be easier than others, but every marriage takes effort and God wants to help us with that. That's why we had a marriage seminar yesterday.
God is committed to lifelong marriages. God hates divorce because of what it does to people. God was divorced and permits it in certain situations and finally God loves to give us second chances.
There is no anger like the anger of divorce. People that once loved each other now want to kill each other. Anger is a natural part of the grief cycle that accompanies the death of marriage. The hurt and anger can't be avoided. They must be deeply felt, but what we do with that hurt and anger will in many ways determine the opportunity for a second chance. The hardness of our hearts must be melted.
We can choose to turn our anger outward and think that the world is no good, that people are no good, that God is no good. We can live the rest of our lives distrusting everything and everyone and driving people away with our cynicism. That's a choice.
Or we can choose to turn our anger inward and think that the problem is not with the world or other people it's with me. We're no good. We can't do anything right. So we beat ourselves up, get depressed, and stay depressed the rest of our lives. That's a choice too.
But there's a third option and that is to turn our anger upward and give it to God. No one can take away your bitter experience of divorce, but that doesn't mean that you have to become a bitter person. That's a choice.
Hebrews 12:15 says, See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
If you've been through the agony of divorce please don't miss the grace of God. Don't let that bitter root grow up inside you that will cause you all kinds of trouble, your kids trouble, and affect all your future relationships.
And what is the solution to bitterness? It's forgiveness. Forgiveness is what the grace of God provided for us on the cross where Jesus died to forgive us of our sin and our guilt. Right now Jesus stands ready to forgive you and he wants you to begin the process of forgiving the one who's hurt you. That's what's needed for a second chance.
Colossians 3:13 puts it this way, Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
I don't believe divorce needs to be the end of the world for anybody. There are many couples at Valley View who are enjoying a second chance at marriage. But before you even consider that l urge you to follow what I call the four R's.
First, you need to reflect on what part you played in the marriage breakdown. Like the man wrote, "I studied myself on the edge, and introduced myself to the stranger who lived within." Divorce is one way God helps us see ourselves for who we really are.
Second, you need to repent of the sin that you contributed to the divorce. You need to own what you brought to the table. It may have been 80% or it may have been 8%. But if you're going to get healthy again you can't go through life blaming the other person. You need to own your part, confess it to God, and grieve over it or else you'll stay hard hearted. God wants to use the divorce if your life to turn your hard heart into a tender heart once again towards him and towards others.
Third, you need to make every reasonable effort to be reconciled. You need to give it your best shot. And if the marriage can't be saved, you need to let the hatred go. Your spouse may not be able to, but the Bible says as much as it is within you, live at peace with everyone, even your ex. You don't need to be friends, but you don't need to be enemies either. Get the toxins out of your soul.
And fourth, you need to remain single until the whole equilibrium of your life gets back into balance, which for most takes at least a year. Rebound marriages for people who don't follow the four R's have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages and as a pastor I won't do them unless I know there's been reflection and repentance and every attempt at reconciliation and a sustained period of singleness that has produced a tender heart.
In closing let me say that in many ways our church needs to be like a hospital. Valley View Community Church needs to be a safe place for hurting people, a haven for healing, a place where both grace and truth are applied. Like a hospital grace means we accept everyone who comes into our midst, whatever condition they're in. But truth means we don't want them to stay wounded and hurting. Instead, we gently pour the healing truth of God's Word into the wounds and watch miracles happen.
There's no room around here to judge people who are going through marital stress or divorce. There's no room around here to give quick fix solutions to hard problems. But there's plenty of room in this church to love and accept and pray and encourage and to make this an environment that seeks to strengthen existing marriages and that stands by those going through marital breakdown. That's the church that Jesus died for. And that's the church I want to be a part of. How about you?
Just yesterday at the baseball field a man came running up to me and said, "Bruce, guess what? My ex-wife and I are getting remarried again after two years of divorce. We just bought a house together in Trooper. I've been clean of my drug addiction for four years and I give God all the credit. Isn't he amazing?!" I said, "Yes he is. That's awesome. I'm so happy for you." God loves to give us second chances.