How Life Works: Wisdom Living from Proverbs
03/04/2001 - Choose Wise Friends
Throughout my lifetime God has blessed me with some wonderful friends that have made my life so rich. Today my best friend is my wife, Jennifer, and some of my dearest friends are right here at Valley View. They're the people that I want to do life with, they're the people I want to serve God with until the day I die or until Jesus comes back. Some of us have walked through life together now for the last 15 years or so. And when I think about it, I can't imagine living my life without friendships. It would be so empty, it would seem so meaningless.
And when I think back on my life, next to parents, the most importance influences on me have been my friends. More than teachers, more than pastors, more than coaches, more than professors in school, as important as their contributions have been, my life has been marked by my friendships. And I am confident that I wouldn't standing here talking to you and doing what I'm doing today if it weren't the friends that God put in my life early on as a kid. So you don't need to convince about the importance of friendships. In my mind it's a no brainer. It's a slam-dunk.
This is a picture of me and three friends that I've known most of my life. The guy on the left is Dave. I met Dave in my sixth grade Sunday School class. Dave's now a realtor in Lancaster County. The guy on the right is Doug. I met Doug in first grade. He's my oldest friend. In fact, together we were so much trouble for our first grade teacher that she actually called my mother and told her, "Don't let Bruce play with Doug after school. They're nothing but trouble and should be kept apart." Now can imagine that! Well Doug's now a chaplain in the US Navy serving our country in Roto, Spain. And the guy holding me up is Bob. I also met Bob in sixth grade. And over the years our friendship has survived a lot of teasing and even a few fistfights and now Bob's a social worker helping kids right here in the Philadelphia area.
A few weeks ago I got a call from Dave saying that Doug was in town for a couple of days on leave to visit his ailing father. And with less than 24 hours notice we all dropped what we were doing and got together for dinner at the same pizza joint where we used to hang out together 30 years ago. It hadn't changed a bit and it didn't seem like we had either. We laughed together at the same old jokes we made in high school. After dinner we drove down to Philly, caught a basketball game at the Palestra, cheered like maniacs even though we could care less who won and then ended up having ice cream on South Street. That was before Fat Tuesday, when there still was a South Street to have ice cream on.
And that night as I was driving out of the city up the Schuylkill Expressway I thought to myself, "God what a gift those guys are to me. There's nothing we wouldn't do for each other. And tonight just added another page to the memory book of all the things we've done together. Over the years we celebrated birthdays together, we cut lawns together, we bought our first ten speed bikes together, we went fishin' together, we learned to drive together, we went on church retreats together. We liked the same girls together, we went on dates together, we walked through graduation together, we took vacations together and we camped out together. We were ordained together and celebrated engagements together and had the joy of being in each other's weddings together and sometimes even doing the weddings together. We've struggled through the loss of jobs together, we cried over the pain of a divorce together and we questioned God over the death of a child together. And through it all, over all these years, and scattered over all these miles we're still friends and can pick it up right where we left off.
Do you have any friends that you're walking through life with together? When I talk about friends right now, I'm not talking about your spouse, your parents and your children, we'll talk about those relationship later on in this series. I'm talking about someone outside of your family that you're close to. Someone you can talk with and laugh with and cry with. Someone you can bare your soul to. Do you have someone like that? If you do, thank God for them. Good friends are one of his best gifts. And if you don't then ask God to help you make one or two or three.
It's not surprising to me that book of Proverbs puts such a high priority on the value of friendships. Because God knows how much our lives are influenced by those we hang with. Proverbs 13:20 says, Whoever walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Turn with me to Proverbs 1:10-19 and listen in as Solomon tenderly talks to his kids about choosing the right kinds of friends. My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them. 11 If they say, "Come along with us; let's lie in wait for someone's blood, let's waylay some harmless soul; 12 let's swallow them alive, like the grave, and whole, like those who go down to the pit; 13 we will get all sorts of valuable things and fill our houses with plunder; 14 throw your lot with us, and we will share a common purse" 15 my son, do not go along with them, do not set foot on their paths; 16 for their feet rush into sin, they are swift to shed blood. 17 How useless to spread a net in full view of all the birds! 18 These men lie in wait for their own blood; they waylay only themselves! 19 Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.
You can almost see Solomon sitting down on the edge of his son's bed one night having a heart to heart, telling him the kind of kids to stay away from, the kids who like to get into trouble, who like to hurt other people, who like to take things that don't belong to them and brag about how tough they are. He uses some very descriptive language and actually rehearses the things that his kids are going to hear them say. "But don't be fooled, he says, "don't go down that road because you'll get into big trouble. They're only setting a booby trap for themselves and one day it's going to snap and they're going to get caught and their lives will be ruined."
Those of us who are parents are all concerned that our kids grow up hanging around the right crowd. We understand the power of peer pressure. We've seen how it works in our lives for better or for worse. We pray that our kids can make an impact on their peers for Jesus Christ. But we know, in order to do that, they need support, not just from their parents or youth leaders, they need it from each other. So we teach them to be discerning in choosing their friends. Because the choices they make as children in this area will turn right around and make them, for better or for worse, for the rest of their lives. And what's true for our children, is also true for us.
We don't have a prayer of living wise lives, well invested for Jesus Christ, without a circle of wise, supportive friends. The Christian life was never intended to be a solo sport. It's a team game and we need to surround ourselves with a team of people that can help make our lives work well. Around here we call that living in community, doing life together with others who are also pursuing God. The people I know whose lives are working well are deeply connected to a small group of people. And the people I've known over the years whose lives aren't working very well often got mixed up with the wrong crowd.
Turn with me to another one of the wisdom books written by Solomon. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity those who fall and have no one to help them up! 11 Also, if two lie together, they will keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
It's not good to go through life alone. We were born to live life in community, with a small group of friends that turn the whole experience from black and white into living color. People that add texture to our lives. Close friends add more joy and insight and wisdom and safety and counsel and enrichment and quality to our lives than any achievement we can attain, any possession we can buy, any position we can rise to. Life loses about half its meaning if we're not walking it with close friends. What good is a birthday, graduation, anniversary, or a promotion without friends to share it with? What good is a dining room or a deck or a guestroom or a backyard pool or a house at the shore or a boat on the river if you don't have friends to share it with?
So who are the wise kind of people we want to walk through life with? What kind of people do we want on our personal development team? Let me give you the Profile of a Wise Friend.
First, wise friends pursue God. Turn to Proverbs 1:7, The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. The kinds of people we want to invite into our inner circle are people who have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ, because that's where wise living starts.
Now that doesn't mean we can't have friends who aren't Christ followers. We need to. That's how we reach people for Christ through relationships. We need to love them and to do things with them and to serve them when we can. But we don't need to invite them onto our personal development team. We don't need to completely open up our souls to them because there are a lot of things about us that they just won't understand because they don't know the most important person in our life.
Jesus was a friend of sinners. He had lots of people other than the disciples that he related to. But he was very selective when it came to those he would open up his life to. In fact, in John 2:23-25 we read, Many people saw the miraculous signs Jesus was doing and believed in his name. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. He did not need human testimony about them, for he knew what was in people. Jesus was very discerning in this area. He didn't open his soul up to everybody. In fact, even among his small group of Twelve, he had an inner circle of three, Peter, James and John, and a best friend in John.
Our small groups are breeding grounds for these kinds of friendships. We want Jesus to be invited into every small group gathering and the pursuit of him to be what draws us together. Stepping into a small group or a 4 x 4 or the Alpha Course or for a high schooler into Young Life or some other Christian group, or for a college student into something like Inter-Varsity is a great way to find friends who are pursuing God.
Second, wise friends can be trusted. Turn to Proverbs 17:9, Whoever covers over an offense, promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Close friends trust each other. They know how to keep sensitive information in confidence. Not like a gossip who gets a sick sense of power and control in knowing and sharing everybody else's business. Gossips don't have deep friendships, they may know a lot of people, but it doesn't take long to realize that you can't trust them, because if they can say things about other people to you, they can say things about you to other people. So stay away.
Proverbs 20:19 puts it like this, A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid anyone who talks too much. When you're looking for someone to bring on to your personal development team, look for someone you can trust. You don't need many, one or two may be enough.
But if we're going to live our lives to the full in community with God and with others we all need someone we can talk to about our struggles and our foul-ups and even our sin. Someone who won't shame us or look down on us or make fun of us. Someone who'll love us anyway, who'll pray for us and encourage us and check up on us. That's the only way we'll ever be delivered from some of the habits and addictions that keep their foot on our neck and keep us pinned to floor. The secrecy of those things has to be broken and that's done best with a trusted friend.
James 5:16, Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
Bernard Meltzer said, "A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though he knows you're slightly cracked." We're all cracked aren't we? I know I am.
Third, wise friends can be depended on. Look at Proverbs 17:17, A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Adversity and hard times really reveal who our friends are. A while back an English newspaper ran a contest offering a prize for the best definition of a friend. And thousands of entries were submitted, but the winner was this, "A friend is someone who comes in when the whole world has gone out."
The kind of friends that you want on your personal development team are the kind that will be there for you when you're at rock bottom. When you're ugly and you're angry and you're scared and confused and have nothing to offer at all. About a year or so ago I hit rock bottom. I was at one of the lowest points in my entire life. And I don't need to share the details with you about what was going on, but what I do want you to know is that there were dear friends in this church community that walked with me and with Jennifer through that time. And it made all the difference. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for them.
This is real life we're talking about here. This isn't the pre-game show. This is the game. And I fear that some of you are sitting on the sidelines and your trying to go it alone. And your not going to make it. Friends often mean the difference between life and death. I hope you have a support system because one day you might hit rock bottom or one day the phone calls coming that's going to make your blood run cold and who are you going to go when adversity strikes. Find a friend you can depend on.
Fourth, wise friends will be honest with us. Turn to Proverbs 27:6, Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Do you have anybody in your life that can be honest with you? Have you given anyone permission to gently point out those things in your life that are self-destructive? I know it's a scary thing. But it's also what makes for a strong friendship and helps make our life work. You want one or two of these on your personal development team.
Proverbs 27:17, As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
A couple of years ago I was about to do something that was really stupid. Jennifer was pregnant with Avery and wasn't doing well. She was sick in bed most of the day. And about that time I was scheduled to lead a tour of Israel with two other pastors. It had been planned for well over a year. I love to go to Israel and even though Jennifer was sick I was still planning to go. I had arranged for her mother to come down and take care of her and the kids while I was away for the week. But Jennifer didn't want me to go and neither did the other leaders here at the church. But I didn't want to hear that. And so I continued with the plans and had an orientation with the group and I was about a week away from getting on the plane when four friends came over to my house and ganged up on me. They looked me in the eye and said, "Bruce we think you're making a bad decision. You need to stay home with your wife and kids and let the other two pastors lead the trip. You can go again some other time, but not now." And that was so hard for me to hear, but I knew they were right. And so after they left I went upstairs and said to Jennfier, "Honey, I'm not going. I've been so selfish about this whole thing and I'm so sorry."
Thank God for the people in your life who have the guts to be honest with you. Do you have any?
So that's what wise friends look like. Now how do find them? You find them by being that kind of friend to others. I love how the King James Version translates Proverbs 18:24, Those who have friends must show themselves friendly.
You get those kinds of friends by being that kind of friend. Someone once wrote, "I went out to find a friend, but could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and found friends everywhere."
Friendships like this don't just happen. You need to get intentional about it. You need to put your body in places where you can meet these kinds of people. You need to take some risks. You need to stick around today for our Taste of Community afterwards and shake some hands and learn some names. You need to invite someone over for dinner or step into a 4 x 4 or a small group. If you're in high school you need to jump into Young Life. You need to start wrapping your arms around some brothers and sisters. If you don't, a year from now you're still not going to have a team, five years from now, ten years from now you'll still be looking for one and saying "I wish I had a team. I wish I had some good friends."
I want to live the rest of my life in deep community with God and with others. That's all. Life doesn't get any better than that. And I know that people will fail me and I'll fail them, friends move away and sometimes even pass away. But through it all there's one friend who sticks closer than a brother and his name is Jesus. He promises never to leave us or forsake us. Do you know him today? Have you accepted his gift of love and forgiveness and eternal life? If you have, you exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, why don't you bring him on your team today?